”Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? .” — Jim Morrison
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I loved the piece of clothing. I wondered, though, if it would be big enough for me. I’m a tall girl, after all.
“One size fits all,” it said on its tag. I decided to try it on. I can tell you that in this case one size did not fit all.
It’s that way with advice for dealing with life, I think. One size definitely does not fit all. Your way of dealing with anger is different than mine. My way of dealing with grief is different than yours. After a lifetime of being told by society that we should avoid pain and feelings, I’ve come to understand they were wrong.
Jim Morrison really got this — how can we deal if we are afraid? It’s all about our feelings. Pain comes when we love people. Pain comes when we are scared, angry, or hurting. It’s all a part of us. And while it might feel almost unbearable today, it’s a part of our lives but won’t stay forever.
It gets me every time. I hear someone is really having a tough time with life, and I hold my breath thinking of the right things to say.
Today, there was another one. There have been several this year, many I’ve known personally. I’m talking about people I’ve learned ended their lives. I’ve known so many in my life who decided the pain was too much. Whether it was that they had loved someone who no longer returned the feelings, they had gotten themselves into debt they couldn’t see beyond, or they just couldn’t see a way to carry the feelings anymore, in the end, they ended life. Those are heavy feelings.
I asked someone today, “Why is this called the hap, happiest time of the year?” After all, if you listen you hear,
“With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call
It’s the hap, happiest season of all!”
Or that’s the way Andy Williams sang it.
But what about when friends don’t come to call? What about when there are no parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, or caroling out in the snow? It’s the har, hardest time of year.
And because those born before 1980 definitely were given the message that feelings should be ignored, especially the ones that made you feel sad and were definitely not shared publicly, we have witnessed a number of people deciding it is better to die than to deal with feelings. In fact, the adults born in the pre-1980s era regularly comment that kids today are too weak, too feeling, too everything. And those “kids” 40 years old and younger, hear those words and call it quits.
Many older people (those born before 1980 and usually before 1960) often say younger people are weaker and feel too much. Those words feel harsh and harmful. Does that type of language affect a person who ultimately attempts suicide?
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What I have found through my research is confirmation that words can have a profound impact on a person’s mental health and well-being. If an older person is consistently using language that is harsh or dismissive towards a younger person, it could potentially contribute to feelings of low self-worth or self-esteem, which are known risk factors for suicidal thoughts and behavior.
And let me stop right here to say I have heard and read words from people downplaying those who they see as weak because they have feelings they are willing to talk about, yes on social media. If that isn’t a warning and wake-up, I don’t know what is.
It is important for people of all ages to be aware of the words they use when speaking to others. Strive to be supportive, understanding, and kind. It is important to avoid saying anything that could be hurtful or dismissive, as this could potentially make the situation worse. It’s a lot of work, but wouldn’t you rather know you didn’t contribute to someone’s choice to end their life?
Words aren’t the only thing that seems to push people over the edge. Finances, mental health issues, trauma and a lack of support (socially) all can leave a person thinking death is a better path. I’ve seen an awful lot of people who have found great success in life, despite wanting to end it at an earlier time — Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato and Dwayne Johnson are a few. There are so many resources of places and people wanting to help those of us who feel overwhelmed with all of it. There are people trained and ready to help.
The song plays, “It’s the holiday season, and Santa Claus has got a toy for every good girl and good little boy. Santa’s a great big bundle of joy when he’s coming down the chimney, down!” But there are many good girls and boys who aren’t feeling that bundle of joy, and just because it isn’t your experience gives you no right to dismiss another person’s feelings.
Look around you. Be Santa, bring a bundle of joy to the people who are without. You’ll have to look hard because many will disguise their lack of joy. After all, that’s what society has trained them to do — avoid the feelings, or at least showing the feelings.
If someone you know commits suicide, unless you bullied them and told them to do it, it isn’t your fault. And while it shouldn’t keep us awake at night, it should change the way we speak and listen to the people around us. We might not prevent a lot of deaths, but we can be better humans, celebrating people and valuing people’s pain that is neither evil nor dangerous.
We can teach love in a different way.
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Susan Black Steen is a writer and photographer, a native Tennessean and a graduate of Austin Peay State University. With a firm belief that words matter, she writes and speaks to bring joy, comfort and understanding into each life. Always, she writes from her heart in hopes of speaking to the hearts of others. She can be reached at stories@susanbsteen.com.
