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Mon, Dec 22, 2014

WOODY: What is real reason for freezing temperatures?

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Outside the cave an icy wind howled and snow and sleet swirled, but inside it was nice and toasty as Org hunkered by his campfire roasting a mammoth haunch and watching the sports channel.

Suddenly, in burst his Neanderthal neighbor Gork, who ran over and doused the fire with a bucket of water.

“Hey!” Org exclaimed. “What the –”

“If you don’t care about the planet, then it’s up to me to save it,” Gork said, giving the smoking cinders a satisfied smirk.

“What on earth are you taking about?” Org said, as he glanced around at his already-cooling cave and wishing someone would hurry up and invent an electric blanket.

“The earth – that’s what I’m talking about,” Gork said. “You’re destroying it with your emission-spewing campfires.”

“I don’t get it,” Org said. “How’s me freezing to death supposed to save the planet?”

“Let me explain it so that even a cave man can understand it,” Gork said. “When you burn fossil fuels, carbon emissions are released into the atmosphere that offend the nostrils of the weather gods. They retaliate by turning up the heat. It’s called global warming. It’s all very scientific.”

“Global warming my foot,” Org said. “It’s 20 below out there!”

“Sometimes, the weather gods retaliate by making it colder,” Gork shrugged.

“So, what’s it called then?” Org asked.

“Global warming,” Gork said.

“Let me see if I’ve got this straight,”  Org said. “If I light a campfire to keep from freezing to death, I’m going to die of heat stroke?”

“Correct,” Gork said. “Also, the icebergs will melt and flood my beach-front cabana.”

“Didn’t we go through an Ice Age a few eons ago?” Org said. “Half the planet was covered in glaciers, yet there weren’t any emissions-spewing campfires and Hummers back then. What caused that ice to melt?”

“There’s a new government report coming out that will explain it, along with why the moon is made of green cheese,” Gork said. “Meanwhile, keep that campfire out.”

“But, without a fire, I won’t be able to have any more cookouts and invited cave chicks over,” Org said, as he started to shiver, pulling his mammoth-skin bathrobe tighter. “Another side effect is that I’ll freeze to death.”

“Well, that’s your problem,” Gork said.

“Actually, it’s your problem too,” Org said. “How do you plan to heat your cave without a campfire?”

“Solar panels,” Gork responded.

“Never heard of them,” Org said, his teeth starting to chatter.

“Well, actually they haven’t been invented yet – right now we’re still working on the wheel – but I figure that within the next millennium or so we should have them in production and ready to install in every cave.”

“That seems like a long time to go without heat,” Org said. “Already I can’t feel my toes.”

“Oh, stop complaining,” Gork said. “You’re going to make the weather gods angry, and they’ll smack us with another global warming blizzard.” M

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Climate Change, Global Warming, Politics, Voices
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