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Fri, Dec 19, 2014

WOODY: Wacky actress frets over sad water and how we talk to it

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Actress Gwyneth Paltrow, apparently running short on causes, is worried about hurting her water’s feelings.

According to a recent Internet account, the Oscar winner claims that “bad vibes” can cause bad-tempered water.

Ms. Paltrow is thusly quoted: “I am fascinated by the growing scientific evidence behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter ... on how negativity changes the structure of water, how the molecules behave differently, depending on the words or music being expressed around it.”

Gwyneth claims that a “Dr. Emoto” has performed experiments to support the happy water/sad water theory:

Dr. Emoto poured pure water into vials labeled with negative phrases like “I hate you,” or “fear.” After 24 hours the water, under a microscope, “contained gray, misshapen lumps.”

In contrast, in the vials on which he wrote “’I love you” and “peace,” the water contained gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals.”

In other words, it seemed happy.

My first thought is that Ms. Paltrow might want go soak her head. In a bucket of happy water, of course. You know, for the good vibes.

My next thought is that she won’t be hiring any surly plumbers.

I suppose when Gwyneth flushes the toilet she says, “Goodbye, and have a pleasant journey.” She wouldn’t want it to swirl away in a huff.

Native Americans once believed -- and maybe still do -- that water has a spirit. It lives and breathes and has a form of consciousness and intelligence, even though it may not be readily apparent -- sort of a liquid form of Vice President Joe Biden.

I remember when “bad water” meant that the water in the hole that Roy and Trigger came up on in the parched prairie wasn’t fit to drink.

Roy didn’t shake his finger and scold the water -- “bad water, bad!” He and Trigger just rode on, looking for a fresher supply.

According to Gwyneth, maybe he should have been more understanding. If Roy had got down off Trigger and sang the water a song (Happy Trails?) it might have put the bad water in a better mood. Then he could have taken a swig and watered his horse.

Of course it’s all utter nonsense. Water no more has feelings and emotions than does Simon Cowell.

This is what comes from coddling our water. Our forefathers used to go down to the spring dip out a buck-full, or draw some from the well. Now we go to the store and buy it in fancy bottles with exotic names like Perrier, Evian, Fiji and Icelandic Glacier.

I looked it up, and found that there are over 3,000 brands of bottled water in the world-wide marketplace. It’s not clear how many of them are happy and sad.

I’m willing to do my share to promote world peace and harmony, but I draw the line at telling a glass of water that I love it and giving it a hug.

Once it comes out of the tap, it’s on its own. If it gets its feelings hurt and develops bad vibes, that’s too bad. Maybe Ms. Paltrow can sing it a lullaby to cheer it up.

Hollywood certainly has its share of weirdoes. Must be something in the water.

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gwyneth paltrow, happy, larry woody, sad, talk, water
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