|I’ll bet you, just like me, were riveted by the recent ordeal of the Carnival Cruise ship that became stranded at sea when its motor conked out and the captain discovered he had left the paddle back at the dock.
As though being stranded aboard the giant ship for days wasn’t bad enough, as soon as it was towed back to shore, it immediately capsized from all the trial lawyers that scrambled aboard.
One unfortunate passenger – a Mildred P. Snootypuss of Rochester – was turned into a turkey wishbone as two lawyers each grabbed a leg and fought over her.
“It was, like, horrible,” wailed one young lady identified only as Buffy as she recounted her travails aboard the luxury liner. “They like totally ran out of melted butter for the broiled lobsters.”
She paused to collect her emotions, then sobbed, “And on the third day, the water in the heated sauna like, you know, stopped bubbling!”
Buffy thought a $1 million settlement might help her get over her trauma and soothe the emotional scars.
Fellow sufferer Walter Grumpwad said he didn’t mind the raw sewage and spoiled food, but “I drew the line when the lights went out on the tennis court.”
Also, his wife said, dabbing her eyes, her frozen margaritas were too salty.
Look, I don’t want to poke too much fun at the plight of the pampered passengers, but being stranded aboard at luxury ocean cruiser for a few days doesn’t exactly equate to a Titanic experience.
To hear them some of them tell it, you’d have thought they were on the verge of resorting to cannibalism. (“Donner Party of 30 – your table is ready.”)
What a bunch of sea weenies.
We didn’t hear Gilligan bellyaching like that, did we?
The commander of the cruise ship, Captain William Bligh, said at one point his passengers became so restless that he thought he might have to make an example of someone – Mr. Grumpwad came to mind – by taking away his shuffleboard privileges.
Bligh said his crew performed admirably under the stress, although one aerobics instructor went into a snit when the lamp was turned off on her tanning bed. Drastic times call for drastic measures.
But overall, everybody remained fairly calm throughout the ordeal, comforted by the sight of rescue vessels hovering around and the prospects of huge legal settlements.
The only reported injury was a “nasty sunburn” suffered by Mrs. Snootypuss after she fell asleep in a deck chair during an afternoon performance by the Carnival strings symphony. Because the symphony was preforming “Lullaby” when Mrs. Snootypuss dozed off, her lawyer naturally plans to include Ludwig van Beethoven in his lawsuit.
As I listened to the tales of horror from the Carnival Cruise survivors, I recalled a similar ordeal I once endured. My fishing buddy Bob Sherborne and I were on Reelfoot Lake one morning when our ancient boat motor conked out. We were forced to survive for hours on Vienna sausages and warm Pabst Blue Ribbon until we hitched a ride back to the dock on a passing bass boat.
By then our nightcrawlers had expired, and the two stunted crappie we had caught hours earlier were becoming a trifle ripe and smelly – as was Sherborne.
Also, we had run out of beer.
Now that’s a nautical nightmare.