Since coming on board as a columnist with the “The Post,” I have written a series of articles that come under the broader heading of “Lower 40.” For those unaware, these Lower 40 installments deal with both the media’s and the consuming public’s insatiable appetite for deviant human sexual behavior.
Going into this week, my all-time favorite was the case of Oklahoma judge Donald Thompson, a sitting judge for 23 years who was found guilty of using an electronic penis pump on himself while presiding over thousands of trials — even murder trials!
Over a period of time, people in the courtroom — staff, attorneys, law enforcement personnel, witnesses, defendants, etc. — had noticed Thompson acting in a bizarre manner. Some even reported hearing a strange “whooshing” sound.
In 2006, a witness testifying (from the witness seat) noticed a chord, plugged in underneath the judge’s bench that disappeared underneath the judge’s robe. Proper authorities were notified, and Judge Thompson was arrested.
Thompson stated that the penis pump was a “gag” gift, and he might have accidentally triggered the “on” button. In no way, Thompson argued, did the penis pump impair his ability to competently preside over criminal court cases.
Expectedly, his peers concluded otherwise, and Thompson was convicted of violation of his oath as a judge, placed on the Oklahoma Sex Offenders’ List, and served 20 months in federal prison. Thompson was arrested again in summer 2011 for DUI and possession of a controlled substance.
My second favorite was the ordeal involving ex-U.S. Congressman Anthony Weiner. Spring 2011, via his Twitter account, Weiner sent a sexually suggestive photo of himself to a woman, who, once she realized his identity and status, went public with it. Indeed, Weiner resigned from Congress, and in a matter of hours, went from being a lawmaker with clout to the butt of late-night talk show jokes.
Alas! Weiner was not to be denied, and in 2013 he entered New York’s mayoral race. That, too, came to a scandalous end when it was discovered that Weiner — ever the “hot dog,” pun intended — had sent explicit photos of himself to yet a second woman. As we discussed a few weeks back, for some, “Too much just ain’t enough.”
Thinking I’d heard it all, I was taken even deeper into the Lower 40 with a news flash published on May 20 by this very own “Post.”
A Murfreesboro man allegedly tried to have sexual intercourse with an ATM machine.
“According to a police arrest report, Lonnie Jackson Hutton, 49, was arrested at the Boro’ Bar and Grill in Murfreesboro, which is where the ATM machine is located.
“Mr. Hutton pulled down his pants and underwear exposing his genitals. Mr. Hutton then attempted to have sexual intercourse with the ATM machine. Mr. Hutton then began to walk nude around the bar thrusting his hips in the air,” a police report stated.
“The report shows that Hutton was escorted outside the bar and told to sit on a picnic table until police arrived.
“Once outside, Mr. Hutton again exposed himself and engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table,” the report stated.
“Hutton was charged with public intoxication and booked under a $250 bond.”
In the mid 1960s there was popular TV show titled “The Addams Family,” a paradoxical comedy about a uniquely odd family where abnormal behavior was the everyday norm.
For instance, Gomez, the Addams family patriarch, and Morticia, the matriarch, would engage in a fencing match as foreplay that, hopefully, would lead to lovemaking.
Lurch, the Addams family’s lumbering, giant butler, would observe Gomez and Morticia carrying on, shake his head in disgust, and, with a cavernous bass voice, reply with: “Uhhhh-uhhhh!”
When I heard about the ATM incident at the Boro Bar and Grill, my initial response was much like Lurch’s.
I will say this, though. Mr. Hutton’s antics with the ATM machine and the picnic table currently have him in first place on my top Lower 40 list.