There Ought To Be A Law: Top 10 ranking? How about World’s Cheapest Dad, huh? on The Murfreesboro Post

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There Ought To Be A Law: Top 10 ranking? How about World’s Cheapest Dad, huh?

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By: STEPHEN LEWIS

Posted: Sunday, July 27, 2008 8:49 am

Oooooweeee, I done went and did it again. It seems that no matter what I write about I end up making somebody mad. I don’t do it on purpose. It just happens. This time it was a wiener-eating neurosurgeon. In case you didn’t read my article from a couple weeks ago I’ll update you. A Murfreesboro resident was one of the ten or so competitors in a nationally recognized hot dog eating contest. Well, he didn’t do so well and I guess I came down a little hard on him. Then last week he wrote a letter to the editor that quite frankly I took offense to.

The letter made it out like he’s a better person than I am. So I thought I’ll show him! I’m just as good as anybody else and I’ll prove it. So I started by logging on to his website. I gotta tell you, this guy’s got his stuff together. Apparently he’s not only a neurosurgeon but a bodybuilder and a model too. He’s got six-pack abs and mine look more like the whole case. Although my goal is to get them down to a set of 12-packs, I’d probably settle for one of those 18-packs.

He’s even got pictures of his friends on his website and once again I’ve got to admit they sure are a lot better looking than my friends. Sorry Calvin, Steve, and Larry but his friends look like Chippendale dancers and the only person who wants to see you naked is your primary care physician. And that’s only once a year!

So the more I read about this guy the more I begin to realize that yes he is better than me. He’s got a shiny Harley and I’ve got a beat up 1993 S-10. But there were some inaccuracies in his letter that I feel need to be corrected.

First, he starts his letter with this statement: “Investigative journalism at its best.” Let me say on record that I have never investigated anything I have ever written about. At least 92 percent of all statistics I cite in my articles are made up on the spot. The other 8 percent are verified through Wikipedia. Not exactly the Harvard Business Review or Journal of American Medicine. The last thing I want to be known as is one of those high class investigative reporters like Geraldo Rivera. Although I do have the sole rights to break into Mike Pirtle’s secret vault/closet if, Heaven forbid, he should pass before me. Not exactly Al Capone’s vault but I do hope to find more than bad ties and 40 years worth of cheap hair products.

Secondly, he challenges the fact that me or anyone I know could be ranked in the top 10 in the world at anything. For his and everyone’s information I was voted the “World’s Greatest Dad” in 2004. The award was sponsored by Old Navy, and it was presented to me by my family on Father’s Day. I still wear it occasionally even though it’s been washed so many times the neck is stretched out down to where my chest hair starts and the fabric is so thin you can almost see my nipples. Can you say nipples in a newspaper? I guess we’ll find out.

More recently my boys came home and informed me that they had a contest on the school bus and I won the title of “World’s Cheapest Dad.” Now I didn’t get a shirt for this award but I was equally moved. All kids whose parents put them on a school bus know something about cheap parents. Oh, and my wife once called me the “World’s Biggest Jackass.” That award came right after I woke her up from a nap and told her to get her butt in gear and get the kitchen cleaned up before my mom came over. So there’s three things right there that I’m nationally ranked in.
And as for someone I know being ranked let me assure you that Calvin can chug a beer faster than anyone in the world. I don’t know if it’s because he is of Scottish descent or because as a child he accidently swallowed a baseball, and it permanently stretched his throat muscles but he can make a mug of beer disappear in the blink of an eye. I know because I’m the one who got dog-cussed by my wife when he threw up in her car after a night of proving himself 15 years ago.

As for the competitive eating, I’m working on my ranking. Yesterday I downed 36 Vienna sausages in six minutes. Unfortunately it only took 23 seconds to barf them all up. Let me assure you a Vienna sausage isn’t nearly as good coming up as it is going down.

So I hope this clears up any untruths about my journalistic integrity or my ability to hold a world ranking in several categories. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to end my column now because after sitting for more than 15 minutes my back really starts to hurt. Does anyone know a good neurosurgeon you could recommend?

Tagged under VOICES

Member Opinions:

By: thisone on 7/27/08
What about the gallon of milk?

By: CFW0914 on 7/29/08
Stephen, I think that is the best article ever--and outdoing the vasectomy one was no small feat. Dr. Shib... should learn the saying--THOSE WHO NEVER LEARN TO LAUGH AT THEMSELVES LEAVE THE JOB TO OTHERS!

I can't believe his website..He lusts after himself, not laughs at himself.

By: CFW0914 on 7/29/08
Oh yeah-Stephen, we want to create you website for your fanclub. Any ideas for your website name? That could be an article within itself. Maybe you could be MrBigTime since DrBigTime is taken!

We are just hoping Dr. Shib writes another letter so you can have more ammo!

By: CFW0914 on 7/29/08
Last comment-he's a weiner eating orthopaedic surgeon, not neurosurgeon.

You need to get Wikipedia updated...

By: justdance on 7/29/08

I know you pretend your wife doesn't think you're funny, but I know she has got to be "fall down laughing" sometimes!!

Hilarious!