Did you take time last week to go to the Wilson County Fair? It has become a family tradition every year for the Lewis family. We love packing up the family and heading out for the annual freak show. Not the actual circus freaks, although they’re great too, but the freaks that are just visiting the fair. Every year I’m blown away not so much by where people get piercings and tattoos but just by the fact that they expose those parts of their bodies to the entire world.
As we walked around the fair and burned through my last Murfreesboro Post paycheck I began to think many different thoughts. First, why do I let the Post get away with paying me so little? Second, why do they even pay me at all? And finally, why do they call it a fair when everything about it is so UN-fair? Let me explain.
Everyone knows fairs are like professional wrestling; they’re totally fixed. Whether it’s the warped basketball rims, the blunt tipped darts, or the bent gun barrels, games at fairs are almost impossible to win. Sure you’ll occasionally see someone carrying around a giant Scooby Doo but that’s just a plant to make everyone think you can actually win. And the prices they charge to play. It almost crosses the line from unfair to criminal. Five bucks to win an oversized pencil! Give me a break.
And why is it that God made fair food so bad for you? It’s the kind of food most of us would want to live on for the rest of our lives if we knew we could survive more than six months eating it. Look at what I had to eat during my visit to the fair. I started with a corn dog, which certainly sounds like it’s good for you. I mean, it does have corn in the name, which I believe is a vegetable.
After that I had a polish sausage sandwich, a slice of pizza, a taco in a bag, a rib-eye steak sandwich and a fried Twinkie. Now I will admit these aren’t the healthiest of foods but … oh, and another corn dog, a Philly cheesesteak, a funnel cake, a chili cheese dog, and a fried Snickers candy bar (because the fried Twinkie was so delicious). Yes, I know with my weight issues and cholesterol I really shouldn’t be … oops, I almost forgot, a bag of cotton candy, a candy apple, a free ice cream sandwich from the Purity tent, a frozen chocolate dipped banana and a fried Three Musketeers candy bar (because the fried Snickers was so delicious). I know that sounds like a lot of food but I was there almost five hours so its not like I made a pig of myself. Anyway, what I had is not what’s important. What’s important is that it’s not fair that I can’t eat like this all the time.
Another thing that’s not fair about the fair is the people that work at the fair. I struggled to get through 11 years of college so that I could get a good job and be somebody. Once a year I go into debt to take the family on a nice vacation to see a different part of the country. Fair workers get to travel constantly, don’t have to worry about bathing (which I also despise), and get to eat all that food mentioned in the previous paragraph.
And what about the 29-inch lady whose only job is to sit there and get looked at? Why did I have to be cursed with normal height? Why can’t I travel with the fair and be gawked at for 50 cents a person. “Everyone come inside! You won’t want to miss the world’s laziest human! He’s of normal size, has all appendages, no freak-like body parts, but he still just sits there! Day after day, little or no movement!”
So if you didn’t make it to the fair this year I hope I’ve given you a “fair” assessment of this year’s event. If you love being ripped off, taken advantage of, and pushed and shoved by tattooed, pierced, and smoking teenagers, then pack up the family next August and make the trip to Lebanon. One thing’s for sure; as long as they keep selling fried Twinkies you know the Lewis family will be there. Mmmmm … fried Twinkies.
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