A while back the preacher at my church spent a 10-week period refreshing the congregation on the Ten Commandments. There has been a lot of controversy in the last few years about whether or not public buildings should display the commandments, and if so, shouldn’t other religions be allowed to display their religious doctrines. Now I don’t really have an opinion one way or the other on that matter. But as I sat through each sermon, my wife elbowing me occasionally as I nodded off, I began to think about how the Ten Commandments really needed to be updated for the 21st century.
Some of the commandments are no-brainers. Take for instance, “You shall have no other gods before me.” That’s an easy one. God is top dog and always comes first. And if not first then immediately right after the SUV. And maybe the 5,000-square-foot house. Oh, and the pool and pool house and country club membership, but that’s it. I mean right after that it’s God first.
And of course the “not taking God’s name in vain” is an easy one. I make a point never to do that. Unless of course I smash my thumb with a hammer or some jerk cuts me off in traffic. But other than something like that I almost never break that commandment.
“Remembering the Sabbath and keeping it Holy” is probably the easiest for me. During football and Nascar seasons I have no problem honoring the Sabbath. Actually, I have no problem honoring Saturdays either. It’s my wife who has a problem with me honoring all these days since I pretty much refuse to get off the couch the entire weekend.
“You shall not commit adultery” seems to be a difficult commandment for some folks to follow. Not for me. A long time ago my wife promised – no I’d say threatened – that she would cut off my … well, let’s just say it wasn’t my Internet access she promised to cut off if I ever strayed. Faced with the loss of that particular item, I’ve made the wise decision to remain faithful.
Coveting is such a difficult issue. Everybody would love to have a bigger house, nicer car or make more money. But the Bible clearly states: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house, his wife, his ox, his ass or anything that is your neighbors.” I don’t have a problem coveting my neighbor’s ox or his ass but the commandment certainly doesn’t say anything about not coveting my neighbor’s wife’s ox, or whatever, now does it?
Everybody knows that stealing is bad. Thieves, robbers, shoplifters and the like are some of the lowest form of humanity in my opinion. Stealing is wrong and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law in all cases except when I do it to get free HBO or download free illegal music. I mean give me a break, Garth Brooks is a gazillionaire, and he’s worried about not making his 99 cents off my download of “Friends in Low Places.” I’ve got your friends in low places right here, Garth. By the way, if any FBI or Interpol agents are reading this my real name is actually Gustav Scheiden and I write this column from my home in Yugoslavia.
The other commandments are pretty much the insignificant ones. “Thou shalt not commit murder.” Unless big oil or religion is involved. “Don’t bear false witnesses.” Unless it gets you out of the speeding ticket or blames the other driver for the fender bender you were obviously at fault in. And if I left any others out then they must be so minor you probably don’t need to worry about those anyway. But I do make the disclaimer that you should always check with your local “Man of God” if you have questions about any of the commandments or the recommendations I make about religion. After all, I’m not really a god. I just think I am.
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