There Ought To Be A Law: Firework ban idea, first tomatoes pop up while on vacation on The Murfreesboro Post

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There Ought To Be A Law: Firework ban idea, first tomatoes pop up while on vacation

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By: Stephen Lewis

Posted: Sunday, July 20, 2008 9:00 am

Well, I just got back from vacation and realized how much I’ve missed while I was gone. In a week’s time Brad and Angelina gave birth to twins. Actually Angelina did but I’m sure Brad was right there with her the whole way. Unless he was like me and was hiding in the snack room of the maternity ward scarfing down those little plastic cups of ice cream. Man, those things were good. Almost makes me want to have another kid just to have all of that ice cream at my disposal. My wife gave birth to an eight-pound baby girl, and I put on eight pounds in the three days we were in the hospital.

And what’s with this fireworks ban? I hear a city councilman almost got hit upside the head with a bottle rocket while on a ride with a police officer. Good thing most of his hair is already gone or that could have gotten ugly. Funny how the things you enjoyed as a child you are ready to ban as an adult. I loved a good bottle rocket or Roman candle war when I was a teenager. Now if a firework explodes before 8:30 p.m. on July 4th or after 12 a.m. on July 5th I’m ready to cut off all forms of trade with China since they’re the lousy SOB’s that make those devilish things. Plus my dogs won’t go out to do their business after dark for at least two weeks after the Fourth. Talk about some backed up dogs. When they go out in the morning, they all have their legs crossed from holding it so long.

Oh, and the Starbucks that was in my garage closed down. I feared oversaturation not when they built one in my garage but in both of my neighbors’ as well. I mean really, how did they expect our little neighborhood to support three Starbucks. Fortunately the former owner is going to convert it to a cash advance outlet. He wanted to make it into a tobacco outlet but I didn’t like the idea of all those lighters and matches being so close to my lawn mower gas can.

Anyway, my wife convinced me several months ago that we were depriving our children by not taking them on a beach vacation. Apparently children will never develop into full functioning adults unless they have been given the opportunity for second and third degree sunburns. I reminded her that we have been to the beach on several occasions. Just two summers ago we packed up and made our way down to the Walter Hill Dam.

But then she reminded me that was also the day that one child stepped on a fish hook, another slipped on a rock, the third was cut by a broken piece of glass while I sat back drinking Diet Coke yelling, “Shake it off, you’ll be fine!” So after a quick trip to the emergency room, she swung back by the dam and picked me up. So I guess I owed her a trip to the beach.

I don’t know about you but what I’ve discovered about vacations is my memory of vacations as a child is much better than my experience with them as an adult. I’ve decided that’s completely because as the adult I’m now responsible for paying for it. As a kid I didn’t care that my family would have to eat on the same can of tomato soup for three days. I wanted those #$*& mouse ears! Now we spend an hour and a half walking around the stupid park looking for a water fountain so I don’t have to buy a $6 cold drink. In fact the whole family looks like we’re on a mission across the Sahara Desert what with our backpacks full of water bottles and me in my novelty drinking hat with two straws coming down from it.

But to make a long story, that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, short, I loaded up the family, and we headed off for Panama City Beach. Mapquest said it should take 8 ½ hours. Mapquest is a liar. Somehow we turned 8 ½ hours into 12 hours. Note to everyone out there: 7-year-old little girls don’t travel worth a sh ... darn. As a kid, when I had to go, my dad threw an empty Pepsi bottle into the backseat and I went. I do the same and my wife screams, “She’s a girl!” So I throw a Gatorade bottle, and my wife looks at me like I’m an idiot. “What? It’s got a wider top!” Anyway, we hit every dang rest stop between here and Montgomery. With the occasional stop at an exit in between.

So in summation the drive was long, the sun was hot, the water was salty (I drank at least 2 pints a day), the food was expensive, the bed wasn’t mine, we saw a dolphin, I stepped on a jellyfish, and I complained the whole time. And to beat it all my mom and dad who took care of our dogs enjoyed the first harvest of my tomato plants while I missed out. And after all that when we finally got home my little girl looked up at me and said, “Daddy, can we go to the beach every year?” Sure sweetheart, why not?

Tagged under VOICES

Member Opinions:

By: justdance on 7/25/08

Can't believe my comment was deleted! I meant no disrespect. I still say the scenario was hilarious!!

By: mikewest on 7/25/08
Sorry, but your comment wasn't deleted.