| Stephen Lewis: Vandy winning, the end must be near |
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By: STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
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Posted: Sunday, October 12, 2008 8:01 am
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Nostradamus predicted it. Homeless men carry signs around warning us about it. REM sang a song about it. And the book of Revelations in the Bible describes how it will happen. And let me assure you, if you haven’t begun to prepare, the end of the world is most definitely upon us. But don’t be fooled into trying to stock up on canned goods or withdrawing all your money from the bank. Just look at all the signs that point to the end of days.
First and foremost has to be the stock market. For a lot of us the decline of the stock market doesn’t mean much since we’re lucky to make it from paycheck to paycheck. The fall of the stock market just affects all the “fat cats” who we’re supposed to be trickling down on us. Well, I’ve been trickled on long enough, now it’s time for some of them to feel the trickle. If you get my meaning. The way I figure, since you can’t take it with you, this is just God’s way of clearing out everything we have so no one has to worry about having anything they can’t take with them.
Not convinced. Then consider this. We are about to elect the next president, who may very well be a black man. Now that’s not a sign that the world is coming to an end, but what is a sign is that even with a black man running for president we are not hearing 24-hour-a-day rhetoric from the Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. I’m sure there is a simple explanation as to why we rarely hear from them. I’m guessing there bound, gagged, and locked up somewhere safe so as not to say anything stupid and cost the Democrats the election. Maybe if Obama gets elected they’ll stay locked up for four or eight years. Promise me that Barack and you’ve got my vote!
If you’re still in denial, then this will certainly change your mind. If the end of the world is not close then try explaining how in the world Vanderbilt was undefeated going into this weekend, and still may be, and UT is at the bottom of the SEC standings? Can’t do it can you? I’ll tell you how it’s possible. First, Vanderbilt fans have been suffering from lousy football since ... well, since Vanderbilt started playing football. Sure they may have been good pre-war. Pre-Civil War that is.
This is just God’s way of allowing long suffering Vandy fans to have a moment of joy before closing shop on the whole human race thing. And as far as the UT fans go, I’m assuming God figured some of UT’s fans would make it into heaven and he couldn’t stand the thought of 107,000 of the most obnoxious fans in college football bull-rushing the pearly gates. And by the way UT fans: You won’t be able to sneak in any of those tiny liquor bottles into heaven. St. Peter has the ultimate entrance gate shakedown.
And of course if none of these signs has convinced you, then I think I can push you over the edge with just two words. Actually two letters. O.J. Yes that O.J. The one who killed his ex-wife and friend. The one who left the knife with the fingerprints. The one who owned the white Bronco with the blood matching the victims. The one who tried to escape by being chauffeured by his friend down a LA interstate at 55 mph. And finally, the one who has spent the last 15 years searching for his ex-wife’s killer at golf courses, casinos and bars. Even though he won’t have to spend much time in prison (due to the end of the world coming soon) I see this as God’s way of letting him know he didn’t get away with anything.
So as you can see so much in the world is upside down that it just has to be a sign from God that the end is near. I don’t want to be Chicken Little, but I do think it would be wise to get your affairs in order. Tell your loved ones how you feel about them one more time and bury all those grudges that don’t seem to mean as much now. I don’t know how much time we have left or what upside down, backward signs we will see before it’s over but I just want to thank you for reading my columns. It’s been a great ride for these 41 years I’ve had on earth and I’ll ... Wait a minute. This just in! Adam “Pacman” Jones, former Tennessee Titan and current Dallas Cowboy, is in trouble with the law. All is right with the world again. Never mind.
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