STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
Posted: Sunday, December 6, 2009 7:45 am

So, Tiger Woods has a girlfriend you say. I'm stunned. I'm shocked. I never expected it for a minute!

Who figures a sports star with his kind of money has a girlfriend on the side? Heck, for his kind of money some men would consider getting sex changes just to be his girlfriend.

What I'm really surprised by is that he only has one girlfriend. Most men with Tiger's money would have girlfriends at every rest stop from here to Bangladesh. Of course I say most men because I am certainly not most men.

The way I see it, Tiger is lucky. So his wife chased him out of the house with a golf club and took a couple shots at his face like it was a Titleist. Big deal.

I don't know what it would be like in your house but if I told my wife what he must have told his, I would be glad if it was a No. 7 iron.

Unfortunately, I think it would more likely be a 12-inch double-sided serrated Ginsu turkey carving knife.

And I really doubt she would be helping me out of my vehicle after I ran it into a tree. Unless, of course, her plan was to help me out right before she started dismembering very important parts of my body.

This made me wonder what type of reactions other wives would have if their husbands decided to take on a girlfriend.

Hammerhaid summed it up like this: "First, I've never considered taking on a girlfriend because it would require me to get off the couch. But if I did, imagine a scenario somewhere between Farrah Fawcett's character in "The Burning Bed" and a reversal of the O.J. Simpson scenario where Betty Lou plays O.J. So as you can see I'm a one-woman man for good reason."

What about you Mr. Pirtle? How would Mrs. Pirtle react to similar news?

"Imagine Charles Bronson in all Death Wish movies 1-8. Combine that with Rambo in First Blood I and II. Throw in Mr. T from Rocky III and mix well with a dash of Hillary Clinton when she found out about Monica. Then top it off with a dose of Kathy Bates character in the movie "Misery." Let that simmer for a few minutes and then throw in a couple sticks of dynamite. That would be a good start."

As you can see, Tiger got off pretty easy. Normal Joes like the rest of us face a much more grisly reality. Of course when your net worth is approaching a billion dollars your wife is probably a little more understanding.

So Tiger, if you're reading this, and why wouldn't you be, I recommend you apologize to the little woman and get on with your life. OK sure, you live in Florida, I suppose it would be alright to keep maybe one girlfriend out in California.

Maybe another in New York. I suppose one in Texas wouldn't hurt. Possibly one or two and at the most three sprinkled around Europe. Probably wouldn't hurt to have one in Tokyo. Another in Australia.

A couple more in ...