STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
Posted: Sunday, September 7, 2008 8:17 am

Holy boob job, Batman! He picked a woman! Sorry for the drama but after all it was quite a bomb that John McCain dropped on us when he chose the governor of Alaska, who is female, to be his running mate. It guarantees that history will be made this November with either the first non-white president or the first non-male vice president. Although some, including him, would say Bill Clinton was the first black president.

Governor Palin certainly has all the credentials to be vice president. First and foremost she’s sexy as hello. What I mean is she definitely has the executive experience she needs to serve as an advisor should Sen. McCain win the election. She makes Joe Biden look like something uncovered during the excavation of King Tut’s tomb.

She’s given birth to five, yes five, children. She’s obviously no stranger to pain. The only thing Joe Biden has given birth to is maybe a kidney stone or two. Doesn’t really compare to an 8-pound baby now does it. Of course, when I think about where the kidney stone comes out of I do shudder at the thought.

More men will be glued to the vice presidential debates than ever before. She looks just like every secretary ever portrayed in those after-dark ShowTime channel movies you used to watch after your parents went to bed. Yes, if you were like me your parents didn’t get ShowTime. But even though it was scrambled you could still see just enough to titillate. (I’ve waited a year and a half to use the word titillate in one of my articles.)

I’ll admit when I first heard that McCain had chosen a woman from Alaska I pictured a short, pudgy Eskimo woman, dressed in a polar bear parka, standing over a dead whale trimming the blubber from its carcass. Then I realized that not everything is like what you see on old Saturday Night Live and Three Stooges reruns.

Gov. Palin is a former Miss Alaska runner-up. Once again my stereotyping nature makes me assume that the competition is not too great in Alaska but I sure wouldn’t mind seeing who won the competition that year. I understand that Sen. Obama is scrambling to get hold of her to replace Biden on his ticket. It just goes to show that you never want to be the first candidate to divulge your running mate. You never know when you may want to ask your local Hooter’s waitress to be your running mate.

After watching the Democratic National Convention and all the music that played when a speaker was being introduced I was so hoping that those in charge at the GOP convention would play “Girls, Girls, Girls” by Motley Crue when Gov. Palin was announced. I wasn’t able to catch her speech but I understand they did not play my request. I also heard they did not play “Wild Thing” by Tone Loc or “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot. “I like sexy governors and I cannot lie. You Democrats whine and cry.” Sorry, just an obscure reference to quite possibly the greatest song of the 90s.

The best thing about Gov. Palin for Democrats is that they want “Change!” “We need change.” I swear if I hear that one more time, I think I’ll surely hurl. But with Gov. Palin, you’ll have your change. After all, she’s definitely the hottest, the sexiest and most unlike the others. If you want change, here’s your chance.

Personally I think most of those screaming for change are still folks still bitter about Al Gore losing in 2000. It just seems unrealistic that a country that has spent billions of dollars to rid one country of a man named Hussein would elect another one as president.

I’m just kidding! Lighten up people. It’s just an election. It’s not like we’re choosing the most powerful person of the most powerful nation in the world to lead us out of economic recession, get gas prices under control and end the war in Iraq. We just need someone who looks good in a suit, gives great speeches, has rock star appeal and has the storybook family. Where’s JFK when we need him?