STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
Posted: Sunday, October 25, 2009 7:13 am

Here at the Murfreesboro Post we are dedicated to not only keeping our fair city informed on the latest news stories of the week but also keeping our citizens safe. And to that end I've been chosen to comprise this week’s top 10 list for Halloween safety.

Since we've all heard the "wear reflective clothing, carry a flashlight, blah, blah, blah... ," we'll just skip that and get to the stuff that really matters. This week's list is the top 10 hints you need to avoid trick or treating at someone's house.

1. If your neighbor has a Rottweiler, Doberman, German Shepherd, or other large dog named Satan, Lucifer or Beelzebub, you need to avoid that house. Lest your child reach in for a handful of candy and pull back a pulpy, meaty stub.

2. If you've accidentally received your neighbor's mail and noticed he subscribes to a magazine called "Human Sacrifices Monthly," you need to avoid his house.

3. If your neighbor picks up his morning paper wearing nothing but socks, I suggest you skip this house.

4. If your neighbor routinely plays loud music by Iron Maiden, Insane Clown Posse, Megadeth, or other musical groups proclaiming Satan as their lord and master, then I say consider not stopping there.

5. If your neighbor wears a Michael Jackson costume for Halloween with "Thriller" playing inside his home, you will want to skip his house. I'm a huge Michael Jackson fan (literally, I'm well over 200 pounds), but let's face it, the guy had issues with children.

6. If your neighbor is still displaying Tennessee Titans paraphernalia in their yard or on their car you need to keep moving. I mean come on, these people are obviously mentally unstable and shouldn't have access to children.

7. Has your neighbor carved his Jack-o-lantern into the face of Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, or any other fictional or non-fictional serial killer? If so, I say skip his house.

8. Does your neighbor give out toothbrushes or those religious pamphlets instead of candy? If so, keep moving. Halloween is about cavities and goblins, not dental hygiene and Jesus.

9. Make sure to check your neighbors' vehicles for freaky bumper stickers like "If this van's a rockin', don't come a knockin'." You probably don't want your child accepting treats from this fellow.

10. If your neighbor trims his hedges with a chainsaw, or slices a watermelon with a machete, or even butters his toast with a butcher knife, then take a pass on his house.

11. And finally, if your neighbor has a collection of ninja swords, Chinese throwing stars, or medieval torture devices in his garage that Mao Tse-Tung would be proud of, then I suggest quickly moving by without stopping.

I hope this list of helpful hints keeps your family safe this year. Halloween is a time the entire family should be able to share in full-blown gluttony and not worry about safety. And as always please let me close by saying I sincerely apologize to anyone offended by this list including owners of Rottweilers, Dobermans, or German Shepherds.

Also, those who enjoy human sacrifices, sock wearers, Satan worshippers, Michael Jackson and Titans fans, dentists and religious freaks, 1970s van owners, loggers, Asian memorabilia collectors, and all followers of Maoism around the world. Happy Halloween!