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Stephen Lewis: Some modest ideas to help church compete with football



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By: STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
Posted: Sunday, November 8, 2009 6:48 am
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You know what I hate about the time change?

Not that it gets darker earlier or that I show up late for church every year on that day. What I hate is that for six months all my clocks are off by one hour!

Speaking of church, I read an article recently that said church attendance drops off significantly during football season. Does that surprise you? It shouldn't. I'm actually an avid reader.

Oh, you thought I meant about the church attendance thing. Well, does that surprise you? I guess it depends on whether you're a football fan or not. I wonder if God would have invented football if he had known humans would have such a difficult time choosing between Him and the game? I don't know the answer to that but I do have some ideas that churches could use to lure the flock back to the pews.

First, I think churches need to consider expanding on the idea of communion Sunday.

At my church it comes around once a month. I believe it should be held every week and we need to make some adjustments on the whole bread and juice thing. What if we replaced the bread with a nice tray of hot wings with some bleu cheese dressing? Juice is good, but it's no way to wash down hot wings. Replace the juice with a Bud Light and you've got a communion most people can get on board with. As a matter of fact, I predict you'll see many church members going back for seconds and thirds.

Put some girls in tight shorts and cut off tops to deliver communion and that once lazy husband you couldn't get out of bed on Sunday morning will be up at six o'clock so he can make the early and late services.

During Lent you could replace the hot wings with mini-fish sandwiches from Captain D's. If it's good enough for Jesus to feed the 5,000 it's good enough for today's churches. Besides, you can't tell me that out of 5,000 people who were served bread and fish at least a handful didn't try to put a piece of fish between two slices of bread and slather on a spoonful of tartar sauce.

A lot of people complain that the pews in church are too uncomfortable. I can see their point. What if churches yanked out all the pews and replaced them with recliners? Certainly couldn't complain about the uncomfortable pews anymore.

Plus, if you've ever eaten a couple or three dozen hot wings you know how it helps to be able to stretch out afterward and let your stomach go to work. I suggest the recliners with the cup holders in the arms just in case you weren't able to finish off your third serving of communion. As a convenience for the elderly, or those who overate during communion, you could install some of those recliners that automatically raise up to help you stand up when service is over.

Now that we've taken care of the dietary and comfortability issues, let's look at the real issue.

If we go to church and church dismisses at noon then we're guaranteed to miss kickoff. What if the church installed a giant projection screen that dropped automatically at noon? This would be a signal to the preacher that he/she is done. It wouldn't hurt if his microphone automatically cut off too. That way if he needed a couple extra minutes to finish up, he could continue to preach without disturbing those watching the game. We could all watch the game and finish up any leftover communion wings and Bud Light. And it wouldn't hurt attendance if the preacher agreed to say a prayer for your favorite team. Or at least to cover the point spread of whichever team you're betting on.

So there are just a few ideas I think churches can incorporate to boost sagging attendance. Convicts always seem to find Jesus in prison. I don't know, maybe he does hang out there quite a bit. But I'm willing to bet he can be found just as easily in a plate of hot wings or cup of tartar sauce. "Hey buddy, pass me one of those moist towelettes."
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Tags: Church and Football, Stephen Lewis, There Ought to be a Law, Voices
Member Opinions:
By: BlueRaiderMom on 11/8/09
This is the most sacrilegious thing I have ever read! Mr. Lewis, you should be ashamed of yourself.

This is the last time I read anything from the Murfreesboro Post.

By: turfgrease on 11/8/09
Ooppps,its punishment time! A stearn talkin' to for you.

By: turfgrease on 11/8/09
"He could continue to preach without disturbing those watcing the game". LOL!

By: Duvics on 11/9/09
Yeah, the post is a Godless and blasphemous publication. I'll bet BlueRaiderMom has checked back a few times for an apology or another like mind to agree with her.

Hypocrisy!

By: nd88 on 11/9/09
Get over yourself, BlueRaiderMom. Seriously.

By: mtsufan1978 on 11/10/09
Stephen, that is one of your funniest ones yet!!! BlueRaiderMom, get off your high horse, it is called satire!

By: eagle50 on 11/10/09
There are options on football Sunday. 1. Attend 8:00 am church at a few of the local churches. 2. Attend the Saturday night church services at a few of the local churches. A person can be a football fan and a Christian. The other items will not happen at a church here, but maybe California--you know those folks are out in left field already!

By: Macgyver on 11/11/09
I know quite a few people that spend a couple hours on Sunday morning setting up their fantasy teams! Saturday is the only option during football season but then theres always a good college game on. Oh the choices.

By: justdance on 11/12/09


Mini-fish sandwiches from Captain D's....LOL!

Envisioning this actually happening in a church is so ridiculous you can't help but laugh...lighten up a little BlueRaiderMom.

By: weeeezzll on 1/4/10
I'm an atheist, but replace the pews with recliners, the communion with free beer and hot wings and throw in a big screen for the game, and I'll show up for service each and every week...religiously...lol

BlueRaiderMom:
Seriously? *sigh*


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