Stephen Lewis: Solving problems: Gun Park for gun-carry permit holders on The Murfreesboro Post

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Stephen Lewis: Solving problems: Gun Park for gun-carry permit holders

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Posted: Sunday, August 2, 2009 8:15 am

In the world of journalism you have two types of columnists: those who write about all the problems in the world, and those who offer solutions to those problems. I've always fancied myself as a columnist/problem solver. Put a keyboard in front of a monkey and he can type columns about problems all day long. To be a problem solver you would at least have to find a chimp or an orangutan. An ordinary monkey would never do.

Which brings me to one of the latest problems being faced in Murfreesboro. The city has decided to ban guns in city parks. On the outside looking in that may seem like an easy solution. But what about all the registered handgun citizens who complain that they will be defenseless against rabid chipmunks or snapping turtles with a chip on their shoulders ... or shells? You can see they also have a good argument. But I have come up with what I think will satisfy both sides of this debate, and we can once again go about living our lives in Murfreesboro by running red lights, not using blinkers and flipping each other off.

Remember some time back when the nice gentleman came to town to sell us on a Bible Park? Think about it. How did we ever let him get away without giving him a key to the city and all the money and tax breaks he would need to start his park? I mean who doesn't love a park? Who doesn't love the Bible? The two go together like thickly sliced Spam on one half of a cheese pizza and Vienna sausages, cut long ways of course, on the other half. Then take a tomato and slice it over the ... Sorry, I never should be writing a column when I'm this hungry.

But back to the park idea. I propose that Murfreesboro do the right thing by gun owners and create a "Gun Park." Exciting, isn't it? If you consider we have a "Bark Park" for dogs, Kids' Castle for toddlers, multiple baseball parks, a soccer park, Patterson Park and SportsCom, Barfield Park for Frisbee golfers, and Old Fort Park for ... well, just whomever wants to use it for whatever they want to use it for I suppose. We basically have something for everyone except the person who just wants to go out and shoot someone or something. If we follow our national theme then I'm ready for some "change."

Here's a brief synopsis of how I see this new "Gun Park." I'm picturing something like a cross between Disney World and Fantasy Island. I can be Mr. Rourke and greet visitors when they enter the gates. I need someone really short to be my "Tattoo." Since visitors will be shuttled to the front gate in a bus, he can come running down the tower shouting "de bus, de bus." You would need to be alive in the late 70s and early 80s to get that.

The park will be broken down into several different areas so as to appeal to as many gun enthusiasts as possible. We'll have "Wild West Land" where you can shoot buffalo and outlaws dressed in black. Or you might enjoy "Gangland" where you can choose between being a Crip, Blood, Aryan, Hell's Angel or any other popular gang member. If you prefer pretending to be a soldier, you'll enjoy "Afganiland," where you can spend time avoiding road side bombs and deciding whether to shoot at the local approaching you with a large package claiming to be with FedEx.

As you can see the possibilities are unlimited. Over time I hope that Murfreesboro will become as big a tourist destination as Orlando. As synonymous as Mickey Mouse is with Orlando, my creation, Riflin' Ricky Raccoon, will be to Murfreesboro and our "Gun Park." Now if someone can just recommend me a piece of land that someone is willing to sell for my park. Oh, and, of course, I'll be needing some rather large tax breaks, and I wouldn't mind having a key to the city just in case the mayor is reading this. So as you can see, some write about problems. Others fix them. Mission accomplished!

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By: jg13 on 8/6/09
Call it "God's Gun Park USA" and it can't miss! You could have theme nights like "Tea Party Tuesday" where admission is tax free and includes all the Lipton you can toss, or 9 MM Monday with 1/2 off armor piercing rounds. On Sunday you can have Prayin' with Your Pistol Target Practice where the Christian enthusiasts can try to shoot the devil, gay marriage advocates, and science teachers. Food could have themes too, like pistol pops, Beretta burgers, and, of course, Freedom Fries!

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