| Stephen Lewis: Satellite TV puts columnist in his own version of heaven |
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By: STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
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Posted: Sunday, September 28, 2008 6:55 am
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If you’re reading this then you must already be dead. No wait…I mean if you’re reading this then I’m already dead. Either way, I’m in television heaven and I can’t wait for you to come and join me. You see, I decided several weeks ago to drop cable and subscribe to satellite TV. Since I’ve made the switch I haven’t slept for more than four hours a night, haven’t seen or heard from my kids, and haven’t paid a lick of attention to my wife nag me about getting out of the recliner and helping around the house.
Now before you jump up and rush to subscribe to satellite TV let me share some of the “facts” with you. First, you do have to have a satellite dish attached somewhere to your house. I wasn’t too crazy about this but the dish salesman informed me that only the 144,000 people with dishes are allowed into heaven. Actually that may have been the pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses that visited right before the salesman, and it may not have been that I needed a satellite dish to get into heaven but rather convert to their religion. Either way I got the dish and converted from Methodism to Jehovah. Dropping the cable TV was easy. Giving up the potluck casserole suppers once a week was not so easy.
Anytime I have an important decision to make I always fall back on the question: What would Jesus do? And I think it’s a no-brainer that Jesus has satellite TV. I mean, just think about it for a second. On Sundays I have the option of watching every football game on the schedule. If you have one person in Nashville praying that the Titans make a field goal against the Colts and someone in New York praying the Cowboys miss a field goal against the Giants, how can Jesus be expected to answer both those prayers if he can’t be watching both games at the same time? Duh? He can’t be everywhere and know everything can he?
Aside from the football, I have over 20 channels dedicated to nothing more than selling me something without getting up from my recliner. If I’m hungry I can order Omaha steaks from Nebraska. Cheese fresh from Wisconsin. Oranges from California. Lobster from Maine. Washington state apples. Even a funnel cake maker just like the one they use at the Iowa State Fair. Nobody knows how to throw a fair like those pig and corn farmers in Iowa. Who needs manna from heaven when heaven is just one phone call and three easy payments away?
And the cleaning supplies you can buy on TV! We have a steam mop, a static mop, a proton splitting/nitrogen powered/remote controlled/wet/dry mop, and a mop you attach to your dog’s tail to clean the floors while you’re out. I can’t understand why my wife is so mad at me for my newfound interest in cleaning. I’ve done my part by ordering everything. Now she just has to do her part and start using them.
Probably one of the best features about satellite TV is the feature that allows you to tape programs without a VCR. I can tape Seinfeld and the Simpsons every time it comes on, whenever it comes on, with the simple touch of a button. Sure I can already quote every line from both series but now I’m concentrating on memorizing the credits. Then and only then will I be the coolest person alive.
I can’t forget about all the premium movie channels. We have HBO, HBO East, HBO West, HBO Latino, HBO for the Blind, and BOH for the dyslexic. We literally have it all. Remember when you used to wait for your parents to go to bed to watch the nudie shows. Now you just have to wait for your wife to go to bed.
So there are all the “facts” about satellite TV. At least how I see them anyway. If you have any other questions about switching I’d love for you to contact me, but since I will be watching TV I probably won’t be able to help. In fact I’m about to purchase some delicious looking shrimp from Louisiana bayou country right now. But maybe I will come by your house soon. I’ve been needing to talk to you. Do you know what God’s plan is for you?
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