STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
Posted: Sunday, October 18, 2009 7:30 am

Is there anything more exciting than the baseball playoffs? I mean other than watching paint dry, or grass grow, or dogs shedding. Nothing keeps you on the edge of your seat like a really well-played, four-hour baseball game. You may not know this but I once dreamed of playing in the major leagues. I would have made it too if it hadn't been for Little League. That dang baseball was just so hard and always seemed to be coming right at me. I must admit I became very adept at getting out of the way of the ball. It was several years after my baseball career ended when I discovered why my nickname was "Wrong Way Lewis."

Although I couldn't make it in the big leagues, I think I could be a pretty good announcer. I'm watching a game right now so if you'll indulge me I'll pretend I'm announcing the next inning:

"Here we are folks in the top half of the sixth inning, the Yankees lead the Twins 2-0. Alex Rodriguez comes to the plate. He looks down at the third base coach for the sign. He backs out of the box, adjusts his helmet, grabs his crotch, spits once, no make that twice, and steps to the plate. The pitcher looks to the catcher for the sign. He steps off the mound, adjusts his cap, spits once, no twice, no make that a third time, and steps back onto the mound. He looks in. Gets ready to deliver. And Rodriguez backs out of the box to check with the third base coach for the sign again. He adjusts batting glove, helmet, and crotch, in that order, and steps up to the plate. The pitcher starts his motion and lets it fly. Ball one!" Elapsed time: 8 minutes. I would do more but that was one pitch and if I can do one, how hard would it be for me to do 250 which is probably the total number of pitches in a nine-inning game?

Another thing, why do they call it a cup? A cup is what baseball players wear to protect their ... well, lets just say they don't wear it to protect their elbows. A cup is something you drink from. Nobody I know is drinking from one of these things. And you would think that over the last 50 years of watching baseball players struggle with adjusting them all game long, someone would have invented a better device.

The one thing that has changed the most in baseball over the years is how much players get paid. I know I'm picking on him but Alex Rodriguez makes approximately $25 million per year. I don't make anywhere close to that and I'm working two jobs! I broke down his salary in terms of what actually takes place in the course of a baseball game. If he gets no hits at all it works something like this: $31,000 per crotch grab or $29,500 for each spit or $56,000 for each bubble gum bubble blown. Not a bad way to make a living if you can get it. The guy makes more than I do for grabbing his crotch twice than I make in a year. Only Michael Jackson made that much for grabbing himself.

And what about baseball cards? I used to go to K-Mart with a handful of change and buy packs of baseball cards by the dozen. Twenty cards and a stick of gum that could chip your teeth. Now cards are $3 a pack and you get 10 cards at the most. And no stale gum! Instead of the players' batting averages, homeruns and RBIs on the back, they could put the average number of times a player spits, blows a bubble or grabs himself. At least it would be a more realistic picture of what goes on in a game.

Well, perhaps my time has passed. I know there a lot of little boys out there wanting to become major league baseball players. And unfortunately, a lot more parents out there who actually think their kid has a chance. Take it from someone who just barely missed his chance at fame and fortune. Get your kid plenty of Red Man chewing tobacco, Bubble Yum or Hubba Bubba bubble gum, and the Michael Jackson complete DVD video collection. He'll be ready for the big leagues in no time!