STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
Posted: Sunday, January 25, 2009 8:30 am

I’ve always heard the first 100 days of a president’s term is the most critical time of his presidency. Apparently during that time he is in a honeymoon period with Congress and can usually get most of his initiatives passed. I suppose President Barack Obama will have his hands full what with the housing market, the credit market and the stock market. I’m very worried about this year’s Farmers’ Market. What with all the markets crashing, it might be a bad year for sweet corn. Anyway, I’m willing to cut the new president some slack before I need him to start working on the issues that are important to me.

Actually I suppose we should all just be glad George W. Bush is gone. After all he was directly responsible for 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the Asian Tsunami, the disappearance of Natalie Holloway, the collapse of America’s domestic car makers and the fact that Tom Cruise is still making movies. I know all of these things are true because I read them on the Internet. After President Obama’s first 100 days, I would like for him to start concentrating on the following issues. And although these are important to me, I sincerely believe other Americans will be affected positively as well.

I read a magazine article recently that said 64 percent of Americans are overweight and over a quarter fall into the obese category. The article came with a test to see where you fell, and, by golly, I’m overweight bordering on obese! I’ll admit I’m not much to look at with my shirt off but I never considered myself obese. And if 64 percent of Americans are in the same boat as me, I’d say that’s a national crisis needing to be fixed.

I know some of the ways dieticians would recommend to fix this problem. Making all restaurants print the fat grams and calories contained in each item they serve. Doing public service ads on TV reminding people to turn off their TVs and get active. About all that does for me is to motivate me to turn the channel. And of course they all recommend we eat more fresh fruits and vegetables. Which reminds me of my mom’s blackberry or peach cobbler – the best way to eat fresh fruits.

All of these are fine ideas that have been recommended ad nauseam. What we need is a real solution. That is why I am requesting President Obama raise the standards or lower, depending on your opinion, that qualify someone as being overweight/obese. In other words, if he could change it so we all have an extra, say 20 or 30 pounds. Give me an extra 20 pounds and I’m just encroaching on obesity. With that newfound confidence, I may have the ego boost I need to lose that extra 10 pounds and get back in the “encroaching overweight category.” Either that or have an extra serving of cobbler since I’m not so disgusting anymore. It might help if he could move the healthy cholesterol number up to around 215 also. That way I could get off oatmeal for breakfast and back on chocolate Pop-Tarts.

Once my health is in order I’d like the president to work on my religion. I know some of you may be non-believers but not me. I’m a firm believer in a supreme being, and with my luck I’m sure God is a woman. I grew up Methodist with a little Baptist mixed in. That’s kind of like being a Rotweiller dog that’s afraid to bite anyone. But I’m not looking for a new denomination. I’m looking for a reduction in the amount of time church service takes. I’ve discovered that just about all denominations take about an hour and, since I consider myself gifted, I’m looking for something around the half-hour mark. Besides, my attention span starts to wane around 20 minutes anyway.

When I got married I gave my wife’s denomination a try. She’s Catholic and promised that not only were Catholic services quicker but most Catholics start leaving as the closing hymn begins. She was right about the leaving early part, but I swear I thought I was going to have to have knee replacement surgery with all the sit, stand, kneel drills they do.

I do see the draw to the Catholic church however. They have communion every week, and they use real wine. Not that grape “Juicy Juice” stuff us Methodists pass off. Plus, they don’t keep track of how many times you go through the line. By the third trip through you’ve got a pretty good buzz going. And if you make sure you’re the last one in line you can kill off the whole goblet. Unfortunately, my six-month experiment as a Catholic didn’t get me any closer to God but it did get me in a nice 12-step program.

So maybe if President Obama could look into these issues for me, it would certainly make my life easier. After that, if he could find a couple starting pitchers for the Reds and possibly make sure Wal-Mart keeps all their registers open, then my life would truly be complete. Oh, and I can’t forget about abolishing the metric system in the U.S. I mean does anybody really understand that whole metric deal? But for now I’m willing to wait out his first 100 days while he works on bigger issues. That’ll give me time to make a few more trips through the communion line.