STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
Posted: Sunday, March 21, 2010 12:00 am

Recently I looked over my resolutions for 2010.

I like to go over them every three months or so to see how well I'm doing.

One of my resolutions was to become a filanthr … a phelan … a philantrow … to become a better person. I want to be one of those people that helps others in their time of need.

To do that I've decided that I will need lots of money so I did something that I've never done before.

I bought a lottery ticket.

And not just any lottery ticket. I bought one for the Powerball lottery that is currently paying in excess of $200 million.

Do you know what I could do with $200 million? Let me give you a rundown.

First, I would travel from town to town, by use of a hybrid scooter of course, and collect all the incandescent light bulbs from people and give them the new twirly kind in their place so they could save 3 cents per year per light bulb and help Al Gore keep the polar ice caps from melting an extra ice cubes worth per decade.

I would be just like Johnny Appleseed if he had dealt in twirly light bulbs instead of apple seeds. Of course more people would need glasses because of the crappy light they give off compared to the old kind but that works out well since I'm pushing my children into the field of optometry.

Since my hybrid scooter will most likely break down when I finish my trek across America changing out light bulbs, my next endeavor will be made by use of wagon being pulled by dogs.

This will completely eliminate any CO2 emissions, which may have been an issue with my scooter. Also, all dogs will be dogs that were scheduled to be euthanized in local shelters across the country.

I've not decided on which endeavor I will choose at this time but it will have to be something relatively light weight due to the large amounts of dog food and chew toys I will be traveling with.

If anyone would like to donate a pooper-scooper and some flea collars you can reach me at the Murfreesboro Post's office.

My next project will be to provide malaria vaccinations to all … oh, wait the Powerball drawing is about to come on.

Where's my ticket?

Here it is. My numbers are 31, 19, 23, 9, 32, and Powerball 39.

Dear God, if you will let me win this $200 million I'll be the best person there's ever been who fell into millions of dollars without actually having to work for it. I'll take care of those in need, I'll give to my church, I'll preach against sin, and forsake the devil and all he stands for.

Oh, oh, it's the Powerball girl. Hey, she's kind of cute.

First number, 47...sonofa.....! 8, 54, 7, 45, and the Powerball...ah, who cares! #*@@&!

I wanted a Ferrari and a new Harley! I mean I wanted to give those malaria vaccinations and free light bulbs and travel around being pulled by rescued dogs.

Dang you George W. Bush! This is all your fault.

First Hurricane Katrina, then that giant Tsunami, after that both of the most recent earthquakes. And now this!

Won't you ever stop causing despair!

I can't believe it. Not only did I not match a single number, my numbers weren't even in the combinations of the drawn numbers.

I can't believe I wasted all that time praying this week and didn't even match one number.

I want my dollar back! I can't believe people get addicted to playing the lottery.

I think I'll go into the Kangaroo market and give that store clerk a piece of my mind right now!

"Hey you! Yeah, you clerk! I want my dollar back for that Powerball ticket I bought two days ago. What do you mean you can't refund my money? Ah, to heck with it. Just give me two Powerball, three Mega Millions, two Used to be my House Payment scratch offs, three My Kids Can Pay Their Own Way to College scratch offs, and one Tell Your Wife to Leave You the #*!! Alone It's Your Money and You Can Spend It Anyway You Want To scratch offs!"

What the heck. Maybe I just didn't pray hard enough.