| Stephen Lewis: Never too late to go Christmas shopping for the wife |
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By: STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
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Posted: Sunday, December 21, 2008 7:38 am
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Doesn't the Christmas season just bring out the best in people? Everybody is in such a giving mood. Why, just the other day I had a fellow give me the bird as he turned in front of me in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I guess that's what I get for getting out in the holiday traffic. Maybe that's why I wait so long to go Christmas shopping.
Now the only person I shop for is my wife. We've been married for what now...10 or 15 years, I suppose, and you would think I would have some idea of what she likes. But I swear every year she just gets more mad at the presents I buy her. Truth be told, I really don't think you can blame me. The real blame lies at the feet of the merchants in Rutherford County that close so early before Christmas morning.
Take our first Christmas as a married couple. I wanted to buy her a really special gift so I set out early in the evening on Christmas Eve. I drove around for several hours looking for just the right gift but most of the stores were already closed. Don't the merchants know most men wait to get the best deals? Regardless, the only thing I found open that year was a package store in Rockvale. I picked her up a carton of Doral Ultra lights, a 12-pack, and a Dale Earnhardt Sr., commemorative lighter. It didn't go over real well.
The next year I vowed would be different but there was a football game that went into overtime so I got out a little later than I would have liked. I made it to an auto parts store 15 minutes before closing and was able to pick her up a new set of wiper blades, a gallon of antifreeze, and a tire gauge with a hula girl that popped out to show the air pressure in your tires. I will admit these are more practical gifts than most women like to get on Christmas but we had been married for two years so it wasn't like we were newlyweds. Another bad year.
As the years have marched on I have become much more resourceful in my gift giving. One year I waited till nothing was open and I went online and bought her a star I named in her honor. She didn't seem impressed but it was a red dwarf from the Vulcan galaxy. She wasn't the least bit impressed when I told her that was the galaxy Mr. Spock was from. It was 300 light years from the Earth. I'll admit we probably won't ever be able to travel there but she did receive a nice certificate that I had framed for her.
And there was the year I bought her a year's supply of Amway vitamins from our neighbor. I didn't know at the time I bought them that they were out of date. I was only thinking of my wife's health. Apparently she didn't think so since she flushed them down the toilet. She really got mad when I had to go out and buy a new plunger the day after Christmas and called it a belated Christmas gift. Who figures 365 vitamins would clog up a toilet that bad?
Other gifts from past Christmases have included $31 worth of lottery tickets, a book of McDonald's gift certificates (with two missing cause I really needed a large fry and diet Coke), one issue of every magazine Kwik Sak had on it's magazine rack, and a stray dog I swore was a English water spaniel I bought from a reputable breeder. It looked more like a cross between a beagle and a ground hog but if she would watch the dog shows with me she wouldn't be fooled so easily.
This year will be different however. My plan is to get out early and buy her something she will really love. Something that doesn't come from a convenience store or any place that sells antifreeze. I would go out right now but an Andy Griffith marathon is coming on in a few minutes. Then 24 hours of “A Christmas Story” will be on. Besides, I've got plenty of time. Merry Christmas!
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