STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
Posted: Sunday, January 31, 2010 7:10 am

The following is an excerpt from Stephen's new book "Men are from Lowes, Women are from Kohl's" which will be released in local bookstores next Friday and can be found in the bargain box by the front entrance on Saturday morning.
 
What is up with women and their purses?

You've read enough of this book by now to know that my understanding of all things woman is right up there with my understanding of the Pythagorean theorem. But what baffles me the most is this obsession with purses.
 
I'll admit that women do need a larger alternative than a wallet, which typically holds everything a man needs. I get that women need to carry different types of make-up, perhaps a brush or comb, a pack of gum, and the other things most men are too embarrassed to talk about.

My question is why do women need more than one at a time and why do new ones need to be bought quarterly?
 
If I go to the mall with my wife I do everything within my power to steer her away from the purse department. That section is like one of those giant magnets that picks up cars at the junkyard. I have a greater understanding of how those sailors were lured to those islands by the sirens when I see my wife being involuntarily drawn to the purse department.
 
She holds up each purse and asks me if I think it will go with this color sweater or this type of blouse.

What I'm actually hearing is "Would you prefer I gouge your eyes out with a pencil or pull your fingernails out with pliers?"

The answer of course is that either is preferable to purse shopping.
 
I've had three wallets my entire life.

If you figure I started carrying one at age 16 and I'm 42 now that means those three wallets have carried me for 26 years.

That's an average of 8 1/2 years per wallet. And if you figure the first wallet I had was one of those cheesy ‘80s Velcro wallets I won at the fair that I ditched after a couple years, the average on my last two goes way up.
 
The second wallet I had survived numerous jumps in the lake when I forgot to remove it from my back pocket.

A couple of hours over the air conditioning vent, and it was good as new.

Once when I was in a hurry I chucked it in the dryer to knock the drip off it.

Over time it began to grow a little bluish green mold or mildew on the inside. I took a little sandpaper and scrubbed it off good then followed with a shot of WD-40 or cooking oil to slow down the growth.
 
Just looking at the math and life span statistics I think I can count on around 35 to 40 more years here on Earth.

Since I don't plan on winning anymore Velcro wallets and I don't think I'll be randomly jumping into the lake anymore, I'm probably looking at only one or two more wallets for the rest of my life.

Which just goes to show I better be somewhat picky with my next choice. It could be the one I carry with me into the afterlife.

I certainly don't want to face St. Peter and have to pull my ID out of a Velcro AC/DC wallet. Especially with them being famous for their hit "Hell's Bells."
 
Men are lucky we don't have to coordinate our wallets with anything. Who cares if our wallet doesn't match our belt or shoes?

I'm lucky if my socks are the same color much less my wallet and belt. When men are getting ready to go out for the evening, we don't pull out six wallets and hold them up to our shirt to see which one looks best. We shove it in our back pocket and hope it stays there.
 
Anyway, who can figure out women?

Far be it from me to tell them to pick a purse and stay with it. Besides, my own wife doesn't listen to me, why should any other women?

But on a side note I do understand Pythagorean's theorem. Isn't that what you give someone when they've been bitten by a python? Or is that serum?