STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
Posted: Sunday, April 11, 2010 10:26 am

So, how did your NCAA basketball brackets turn out this year?

Don't be ashamed. Mine were hideous.

I could have let a blind chimp pick for me and it would have been just as accurate as my picks. But I did learn some things this year while I watched the tournament, which I'll share with you this week.

First, college basketball players are rich. You wouldn't think so since so many seem to come from disadvantaged backgrounds.

But I know they're rich because of all the tattoos they have. And I know cause I once wanted a "Yosemite Sam" tattoo until I found out it was going to cost $375.

I decided I couldn't afford that much, so I priced a "Speedy Gonzalez" one but they wanted $225 for that. And he's just a little mouse! You can see I'm a big "Looney Tunes" fan.

But many of those basketball players had their entire arms covered in tattoos. That's when you know someone is doing very well financially.

Secondly I learned that men are being targeted more than ever by the hygiene industry. They have more types of soaps, lotions, and fragrances designed for men than ever before. I miss the good old days when the manly Mickey Mantle hawked Brylcreem hair tonic. If I thought it would have made me hit and run like him I would have bought it by the case and had the slickest, greasiest hair this side of "Rebel Without a Cause."

Now days we've got sissy-boys trying to sell men special bath soap that makes our skin extra soft or a fancy shampoo that will make your hair fuller and more manageable.

I'm a rugged man. I don't need all that frilly garbage. Just give me my bottle of tropical papaya and coconut mist body soap and an uber-soft louffa sponge and I'm good to go. That's shower time man style.

The final thing I learned while watching the tournament was that I don't know jack-squat about college basketball. After the first round my bracket was pretty much mathematically eliminated from my group. Now I will admit that I don't make my picks in the conventional way that many people do. I choose to put a lot of stock in the name of the team and sometimes their mascots as well.

Take for instance Murray State. Who in their right mind picks Murray State to win in the first round?

Well, the president did but I just assumed with all he has to deal with he doesn't spend a lot of time watching basketball.

I based my decision to pick against Murray State on the fact that I've never known one tough guy named Murray. In fact, the only two Murrays I can think of are Murray Slaughter played by Gavin MacLeod on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" and Murray the Cop played by Al Molinaro on "The Odd Couple." Neither one of those Murrays were tough so who figures Murray State is going to be.

And what about Butler. Talk about screwing up everybody's bracket.

I don't know anything about Butler University but what are the chances that a college that trains people to be butlers is going to be playing for the national championship. Famous alum from Butler might include Mr. French from "Family Affair," Alfred from "Batman," Lurch from "The Addams Family," and perhaps even Mr. Belvedere from the show with the same name. Now I know Lurch was pretty tall but I don't think that list of butlers would make very good college basketball players. That's why I had Butler losing in the first round.

So even though I didn't do very well on my NCAA bracket I certainly did learn some things.

And you know what the No. 1 thing I think I learned?

I'm watching way too much TV!