| Stephen Lewis: Low-rise jeans bad choice for victim of meat sweats, tree lights |
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By: STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
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Posted: Sunday, January 4, 2009 8:07 am
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When in the course of human events, a man can look back and say, “That was one screwed up year,” then you realize how great it is to wipe the slate clean and start over with a new one. Like most of you, I make New Year’s resolutions that last anywhere from Jan. 2 to somewhere around the first of March.
But this year is different. I can feel it. Instead of making impossible resolutions as I have in the past, this year I will set goals that are more reasonable. Not like last year when I defiantly decided to end world hunger by taking a canned good to church every Sunday. Or the year before when I proclaimed I would catch Osama bin Laden and claim the $25 million reward.
This year I’ve decided to choose three or four areas in my life that I can control. Take my first resolution. I resolve to leave no buffet, Chinese or otherwise, with the help of any restaurant employees and a two-wheel dolly. Nothing is quite as embarrassing as being wheeled from your dining booth, past other diners and out the door on a two-wheeler, stomach distended and two-thirds of an egg roll hanging out of your mouth. And nothing is as bothersome as waking up throughout the night with a chronic case of the meat sweats.
What’s that? You’ve never heard of the meat sweats? The meat sweats is a condition contracted somewhere between three to six hours after consuming more than four pounds of meat at any one sitting. Of course depending on your weight, and tolerance of meat, you may develop the meat sweats by eating less. Anyway, you will find yourself waking up sweating profusely. You will turn the thermostat down to 62 degrees and will find that does no good. If the meat you have consumed in mass quantities is Chinese, you may also suffer from the MSG tremors. This is involuntary shaking of the entire body.
If you have the unfortunate luck to acquire the meat sweats, I recommend sitting for 30 minutes in a cool bath, drink one-third bottle of Pepto-Bismol and never venture more than 10 feet from a toilet. As a side note to this resolution, I also vow not to judge when to quit eating by the severity of chest pains I am experiencing.
My next resolution is somewhat specific to the Christmas holiday but I think it is just as important. I resolve never to lick the end of my finger and put it into the empty socket of a string of Christmas lights to see if electricity is running through it. I may be as hairy as Sasquatch, but I’ll be danged if a string of lights won’t singe every hair on your body. The ER doc said I could just get the hair on my head trimmed, but I might need to go ahead and shave the rest of my body and start over. I didn’t mind the shaving, since I’ve always felt I have the body of a swimmer. Unfortunately, the body I have is more like Flipper the Dolphin than like Michael Phelps. Now every time I get out to the shower, my wife makes a series of squeaks and chirps like a dolphin while she’s laughing at me. Just throw the string of lights away and buy a new string.
And my final resolution pertains to fashion. No matter how persuasive, no matter how flattering, and no matter how pretty the saleswoman, I will never buy another pair of low-rise jeans as long as I live. These are the most uncomfortable pair of pants I’ve ever owned. No wonder teenagers are always pulling their shirts down and their pants up. From the front I look like a before picture for every diet program you’ve ever seen and from the back I look like the front of a flier for a plumbers’ convention. I can’t wait till I retire so I can wear my pants up to my armpits. At least I know I’m not exposing the world to anything they don’t want to be seeing.
Hopefully I’ll be able to stick to my resolutions. I’m sure many of you have made your own and I wish you well in keeping them over the course of 2009. It’s late, I’m hungry, and my wife is cooking pork chops so I’ve got to go. My boys aren’t home so I get to eat their chops tonight. Mmmm, mmmmm! Is it hot in here or is it just meat?
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