| Stephen Lewis: Just call him stingy |
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By: STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
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Posted: Sunday, December 13, 2009 4:05 am
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Over the years people have used many words to describe me and my penchant for not spending money. Frugal, tight, stingy, cheapskate, prudent, and penny-pinching are just a few words I've heard used to describe my disdain for spending. Up until this point in my life I've always tried to argue but I think I've reached the point that I can no longer put up a fight.
You see, this year I decided that we, my family that is, will make it through this winter without turning on the downstairs heating unit. Now before a bunch of you go crazy out there and start calling the Department of Children's Services and the Department of Frozen Wives' Feet, I said the downstairs heat. We have the upstairs heat set at a balmy 64 degrees. Just perfect for sleeping under four blankets. I don't know how much money we've saved but any amount not going to those fat cats up at TVA is better than nothing.
Let me give you a few tips just in case you decide you want to become a rugged individualist such as I. The first rule in my house is you don't complain about the temperature anywhere in the house unless you've got on sweatpants, t-shirt, sweatshirt, and socks. I'll admit that the extremities do tend to get a little cold downstairs so it is imperative that you keep them covered. All of them!
Some people would say that keeping the house so cool would not lend itself to much family time but quite the opposite is true. You should see the crowd around the oven when dinner is cooking. It's kind of like a camp out as we linger around the open oven when dinner is done. Break out a few marshmallows and graham crackers and we've got s'mores. There's also a lot of time spent around the one lamp with the old incandescent bulb. A 12-inch diameter around that lamp is approximately 2-3 degrees warmer than the rest of the house. All of us are always fighting for the chair next to it.
If you have dogs you are always trying to coax them up into your lap. Nothing like a warm dog draped across you to bring up your core temperature. I've found if I rub a dog biscuit all over me before sitting down the dogs prefer me over the other family members.
Two words of warning however. Number one, if you have any kind of fish you need to make sure you have a heater in the tank. You never want to hear your daughter say "Dad, why isn't Nemo swimming around like he normally does?" And number two, and how appropriate that it's number two is you will occasionally hear a family member let out a yelp that sounds like "ooooooeeee!" That's the sound you make when you sit down on a toilet seat in a house in the 50 degree range. I strongly recommend not waiting too long before you have to sit down. This will give you a little time to sit on the seat with your pants up to warm the seat a little. It's not life or death but it's amazing how sensitive to cold your backside can be.
Crazy? Maybe. Warped? Probably. Cheap? %@** yes I'm cheap! But you certainly can't say I'm not doing my part to slow down global warming. My wife and kids pray for global warming. And if not global warming maybe a little toilet seat warming. Speaking of which I really need to wrap this up. I'm starting to get a little uncomfortable and besides I think I've told you all you need to know about how to live heat free. See you next week. I've really got to...."oooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Update: This article was written last Monday. When I woke up Thursday morning the dogs' whiskers had little ice crystals on them. I opened the fridge door and was hit with a warm blast of air. I realized then I might be carrying this a little too far. We're living at a toasty 60 degrees now. |
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