| Stephen Lewis: Just a few complaints: From A-Rod to Samoas to Kiffin |
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By: STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Staff Writer
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Posted: Sunday, February 15, 2009 7:57 am
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Before I start this week’s column I’d like to thank Alex Rodriguez, aka A-Rod, for screwing up everything here at the Post. Because of his admitting to using steroids all the writers at the Post now have to undergo random drug testing. Which isn’t so bad except that I made my boss at the Post mad when he handed me a cup and told me to go to the bathroom in it because we were being screened for drugs. What made him mad wasn’t really my fault at all. I mean, after all, he didn’t specify whether it was No. 1 or No. 2 he wanted and, since, I’ve never taken a drug test how was I supposed to know. Anyway, I filled the cup up and put it on his desk just like he asked. I didn’t mean for it to tip over on his desk calendar and vacation picture of his family. But all is well. He’s docking me the cost of the Hazmat team that came in to clean it up and the Glade Plug-Ins he bought but swears aren’t working.
But this week’s column isn’t about drug tests it’s about ... oh, one other thing. Can you believe it’s already Girl Scout cookie time again? Never has an organization founded on doing so many good things been responsible for so much bad. I’m speaking of course about the obesity problem in America. I think it can be directly tied to Girl Scout cookies. Well, maybe not in all of America, but it certainly has contributed to my obesity problem.
Remember when the Girl Scouts used to come door to door and you signed up for a couple boxes and that was it? Now they hit you up at church, outside Wal-Mart, Kroger, the Tobacco Outlet, and the Cash Advance places. On the side of each box is a great story about how buying the cookies allows the girls to participate in so much fun stuff. Maybe they need to tell the story of me after a Girl Scout cookie binge. The side of the box would say: “Here lies Stephen Lewis on his living room floor after a seven-box Samoas binge. The family dogs surround him licking his beard for coconut crumbs and caramel residue. His bloated stomach mimics the belly of a beached whale. Ironically, because of his purchase three Girl Scouts will get to attend marine biology camp. Thanks for supporting Girl Scouts.”
But once again this column is not about Girl Scout cookies or drug testing. This week I wanted to focus on ... wait, just one more thing. What about this Lane Kiffin idiot? This guy hasn’t been won a single game as a college head coach, and he’s talking like UT’s got a lock on national championships for the next decade. As an Alabama fan, I have to admit I’d hate anybody who coaches UT including the Pope, but it looks like UT traded the Great Pumpkin in and got what will probably resemble a six-foot smart@*# carrot.
Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. This week is not about coaches, cookies, or drug tests. Now is the time for more important issues. This is a time for serious people ... how freaky was that about those kids showing up out west that had been abducted twenty years ago? I’ve read bizarre stories before but this was really strange. We’ve all read about some man who goes out for a pack of cigarettes and never comes home leaving his wife to raise his kids alone. After a particularly rough patch in my own marriage once I tried that. I told my wife I was going out for cigarettes, but then she reminded me I didn’t smoke, so I just went back inside and back to watching TV.
But that’s neither here nor there. What I really want to get into this week is the current crisis involving ... man I hate Valentine’s Day. I’m sorry. I know I’m getting off track again but I swear this is the most made-up holiday imaginable. I don’t know if Hallmark or Russell Stover’s invented it but what a crock of hooey. Why do men need to buy their wives anything to show them they love them? The fact that we’re still there every morning should say it all.
So, I think that’s all I needed to complain about. Now we can get on with what this week is supposed to be about. I have finally come up with a fool-proof plan that will simultaneously end the economic recession we are experiencing, mend our relations with Castro-led Cuba, save the US automakers, give every American a $1,000 stimulus check, and end the war in Iraq. But it’s so late now I’ve become terribly hungry. Where are those #%*! Samoas?!?
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