STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
Posted: Sunday, January 17, 2010 7:02 am

Since I'm an Alabama fan, you probably think I am enjoying the current state of the UT football program and all the disarray what with Lane Kiffin bolting for USC.

The skeptics out there probably think I'm laughing about all the recruits that are changing their minds about signing with UT. And the real cynics may even think I'm happy that UT will probably be down for several more years now that a new coach will have to come in and pick up the broken orange pieces strewn from Memphis to Kingsport.

For those of you that think all of those things I have to say: "I've not given you enough credit. You're smarter than most UT fans because you are absolutely correct!"

Ever since Phil Fulmer felt the need to turn in Alabama for recruiting violations, I've waited for this day. Actually this is second to the day Fulmer was fired. Anyway, I've had my fun, now it's time to work toward getting UT back on their feet.

Anytime an SEC program is down for a period of time it makes the whole conference look bad. I've worked on a short list of candidates to fill the position and will give brief explanations on why they would be good choices.

10. Bert. I don't know his last name or even if he has one but with his buddy Ernie they've been together for over 40 years. I think Bert is a better choice as head coach because he seems to be the one in charge. Maybe Ernie could be defensive coordinator. Of course Bert is yellow and Ernie is orange but I don't think it's UT orange. If Bert turns it down they could try the giant, woolly Mr. Snuffleupagus. Nah, he looks too much like Fulmer.

9. Hugh Hefner. This man is every other man's hero. UT fans would have to make some sacrifices. For instance the T on the helmet would probably be changed to the Playboy bunny logo. But on the bright side very few people would notice since the new cheerleading squad would get most of the attention.

8. Johnny Majors. I know he's not alive anymore but wouldn't UT fans love to get him back ... He's what? My bad. My sources are telling me he is alive. Hey, even if he's half dead he's better than a fully alive Kiffin.

7. Tiger Woods. He's taking an indefinite leave from golf so he certainly has the time now. Plus, you have to be a multi-tasker to coach and I've heard he's good at multi-tasking in the double figures at least.

6. Mike Pirtle. Coaching college football is about amassing talent. Never before has one person amassed the type of talent in the form of columnists that he has. You've got a chiropractor, a politician's wife, a nobody (that could be me or Hammerhaid) and the other guy (that could also be me or Hammerhaid). How many free Sunday newspapers that get delivered to your house 50 percent of the time can say they have that type of talent?

5. Bruce Pearl. His players are already good with guns so the transition to the football program would be seamless.

4. George W. Bush. Everything else is his fault. Why not pile on a crappy football program too?

3. Pat Summit. Actually the only one on the list that could do the job. If you can handle 15 females you can easily handle 85-100 males.

2. Phillip Fulmer. I know it sounds crazy to bring back the Great Pumpkin but at least you know he wouldn't screw you over like Kiffin did. Plus, Coach Saban and Alabama could continue to put a beat down on him every year.

1. Me! Isn't it obvious? All coaches have a couple things in common: a) huge egos and b) they're all jerks. Case closed.

So UT football fans, don't despair. Millions of non-UT fans around the country are gloating at this very moment. But not me. I'm past the gloating and am ready to extend the helping hand of friendship. Take my list, interview some people, and maybe in 75 to 100 years you'll be relevant again. Roll Tide!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!