STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
Posted: Sunday, July 5, 2009 8:13 am

Happy Independence Day weekend to everyone.

I hope your celebration was a safe one. This year was a little unique for me. You see, for years I’ve felt like I’ve got so much more to give to the community of Murfreesboro than a weekly column. I know deep down inside is a public servant just busting to come out and give back to this wonderful city. I’ve thought for quite a long time and many ideas have come and gone.

I’ve tossed around the idea of opening up a cash advance outlet to help out the good people who occasionally get down on their luck and need a helping hand. A helping hand at 33 and a 1/3 percent interest of course.

Then I thought about opening a discount tobacco outlet to help all those smokers fight back at the mean, old government for trying to keep them from getting cancer. Mean ol’ big brother!

I’ve even considered opening a liquor store for all those who fall off the wagon somewhere before step 12. But none of those really connected.

This year, however, I got the perfect idea.

How about I open up a fireworks tent and sell explosive devices to anyone over 10 years old? I decided on 10-year-olds because by that age most kids aren’t too afraid to pilfer through their moms’ purses or rifle through dear old dad’s coin collection of 1887 silver dollars. And so it came to pass that I opened a fireworks tent.

There really wasn’t much to it. I rented a really big tent, got some tables, found a black market supplier of fireworks, and voila; a fireworks tent was born.

Don’t think I’m totally clueless. I did have the good sense to scout around at other tents to see what type of arrangement was best and how I needed to price the fireworks so I could maximize sales and thus maximize profits. I’m no idiot you know.

The first tent I visited had a sign that said “Lowest prices in town.” I wrote down all the prices at this tent and made sure my prices were even lower. The second tent I visited had a sign that said “70% off” so I immediately took 80 percent off my prices. Then the next tent had a sign that said, “We will not be undersold” so I felt I better knock off another 10 percent. Since fireworks are marked up around 7,000 percent I figure I’m still in profit-making territory.

Then comes the crusher. The last tent I visited had a sign that said “Buy one, Get one Free!” At that point my profit gets cut in half. But I can’t afford to lose any business so I make all my fireworks buy one, get one free as well.

On the first day I’m opened for business I have a giant sign made from a can of spray paint and the side of a refrigerator box that says: “I have the lowest prices in town and will not be undersold because I have already marked everything down 90% and if that’s not good enough I also have everything Buy one Get one Free and I’ll throw in a free package of bottle rockets which have recently been made illegal in the city but I’ll give you a pack if you buy something from me!”

Actually the sign was made from all four sides of the refrigerator box and my wife thought it was a little wordy but I really wanted to sell some fireworks. How better to give back to the community than with a few severed fingers and scalded eyeballs?

I didn’t have much success the first day so I made another sign that said “Handgun Carriers Welcome!”

I figure I may as well get behind the new law and let gun carriers know I’m not going to discriminate against them. Unfortunately that same night a gun carrier did come to my tent and he took the $500 I had in the register. I hope he had a permit for that gun.

All in all, the fireworks idea probably wasn’t the best choice for me. I think I’ll leave that to people trained to help other people blow themselves up.

The good news is that there is going to be a really cool fireworks show at my house this year. Perhaps I need to revisit some of my other ideas to give back to the community.

Anyone care for a smoke?