Posted: Sunday, August 30, 2009 8:05 am

One of the best things about summer is that summer brings out the truth. Summer is to the seasons as the "Lariat of Truth" was to Wonder Woman. (Mmmm ... Wonder Woman. What a great show for a 12-year-old boy. Sorry.) Yes, summer is a season that exposes everything we've been hiding all year long. Back hair, fat rolls, cellulite, fungus toenails, and even fake boo ... fake hoot ... fake bre ... What I'm trying to say is ... Well, I think you know what I'm referring to.

Which brings me to this week's discussion. I like fake. I don't mind it at all. It's kind of like the chicken or the egg debate. I don't know what came first but they're both pretty tasty. Over the course of my life I've seen fake eyelashes, fake fingernails, fake hair color (unless magenta is a real hair color), fake colored contact lenses, and fake ... tops, yes tops, that's a good way to put it. In a few more years scientists will have developed enough fake parts, and we'll be able to put together a woman just like a Mr. Potato Head.

But the one thing that's fake that I don't like is this new trend of fake tans. You know the type I'm talking about don't you? The person you see at the grocery store who is orange. I hear it can happen to babies if you feed them too many carrots but I've never seen it happen to an adult. This certainly doesn't apply to all tans. I like looking at a woman with a nice tan. Wait a minute, that's not what I meant to say. What I meant to say was I used to like looking at a woman with a nice tan before I got married. No, no, no, that's not it either. What I really meant was I liked looking at ... never mind. I just like looking at my wife. So there.

Now before I go on I want to make two statements to hopefully keep me from getting in trouble: 1) I reiterate that I do not look at women other than my wife. And 2) If orange is an actual color of people then I truly apologize for anything I say that may be offensive. I just remember the song lyrics from Sunday School years ago. You remember them don't you? "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white they are precious in his sight." I'm telling you, nothing about any orange people.

And back to Mr. Potato Head for a minute. He must have been some sort of Idaho baker or a russet. He had what looked like a very nice tan. He certainly wasn't orange. If he had been orange he would have been Mr. Sweet Potato Head. And even though we've come a long way in America I don't think parents are quite ready to bring that home to their kids.

So ladies keep on adding all those fake parts. Cars break down and need new parts now and again, so why not people too. Just leave the fake tans in the bottle or wherever else it is they come from. And regardless, just remember this: I won't be looking anyway! Did you hear that dear?