| Stephen Lewis: Do your part to save us all. Eat more pork |
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Posted: Sunday, July 26, 2009 7:53 am
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Isn't it great to be a Tennessean? We're known as "The Volunteer State" and for good reason. I just saw a news report that Vanderbilt hospital is one of a handful of hospitals around the U.S. that is recruiting volunteers for the swine flu vaccination.
You remember the swine flu don't you? Also referred to as H1N1, this strand of flu was predicted to kill us all. I don't remember that much panic by the national media since all the way back to ... well, last year when the bird flu was going to kill us. But before that you did have to go all the way back to ... let me think for a minute ... ah yes, the year before that when West Nile virus was going to get us.
Every year it seems like something new is out there lurking and waiting to snuff out half the world's population. You have to go back to the 14th century to find a killer that potent, like the bubonic plague was. And let's face it, since then we've discovered the medicinal benefits of taking baths. Of course, you might not know that around my house during summer vacation. I once went six days during the summer without bathing before my wife started sleeping in the spare bedroom. Why don't people realize that swimming counts as a bath? And just because you start to scratch more after the three-day mark doesn't necessarily mean you have fleas. And just so you know, the box on the Hartz Flea and Tick collar says "Not to be worn by humans" for a reason. It can burn and cause a serious irritation.
I've checked the statistics and more people have died from the heat this summer than have died from swine flu. And you don't hear a bunch of idiotic ninnies running around screaming about the earth getting hotter and hotter do you? Okay, bad example.
But it doesn't matter. Even one death from swine flu is too many in my opinion. We've got to act now. The first thing we need to do is place the blame for this pandemic. In my humble opinion, the blame lies directly at the feet of vegetarians. I mean if it's the pigs that are causing this flu I think it's only reasonable that we all have a responsibility to get rid of as many pigs as possible.
Think of it as your duty as an American. Remember the posters of "Rosie the Riveter" during World War II? How about a poster of "Lewis the Glutton" with a hot dog in one hand, a pork chop in the other, and a slice of bacon hanging out of each side of my mouth. I've been responsible for more pig deaths than Oscar Mayer. I may die before I reach 60 but look at all the lives I will have saved. I'll be a modern day martyr!
So, if every American will make the commitment to increase their pork consumption by, let's say, 125 percent for the next six months I believe we can defeat the evil swine in its quest to overthrow humans by casting this terrible disease upon us. Oh yes my squiggly tailed, turned-up-nosed friends, I read "Animal Farm." I know we've misjudged you for years as you've waited patiently to submerge us in your communist ways.
So rise up Americans! Fight these communist aggressors with me at the breakfast table, the lunch table, the dinner table, the picnic table, the "right before you go to bed so you can sleep better" table, and any other table you can squeeze in. And when your cardiologist tells you "Mr. Lewis, you really need to lower your cholesterol," just look him or her directly in the eye and yell "Communist!" Till next time let's all go enjoy a double decker BLT with a side of babyback ribs.
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