STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
Posted: Sunday, September 6, 2009 7:11 am

Who don't love the fair? Not me, I absolutely love the fair. I know what you're thinking. You're saying, "How can you, Stephen Lewis, love the fair when it is so contradictory to everything about you?" Or maybe you're saying, "I can't believe I've read this much of this column, I'm done." Either way, who am I to judge? But I do feel the need to explain how someone as highbrow as I can enjoy something as lowbrow as the fair.

Many would question how someone with such a weak constitution such as I would enjoy going somewhere where every kind of food served is deep-fried. First, just so you know, my idea of paradise is being served only deep-fried foods from the world's largest Fry Daddy by NFL cheerleaders while watching football on a giant HDTV as big as all outdoors. Short of that though fair food is a pretty good substitute.

But because I do have such a delicate digestive system I've had to be very careful to create the proper order in which to consume fair food. Otherwise I spend the next day being miserably ill. I have to start with a foot-long corn dog with mustard only. Then I can follow with a polish sausage with extra peppers and onions. After these two I've found it best to wait at least five minutes before starting on an order of crinkle fries lest I develop a case of heartburn. Pacing is everything folks.

After the fries I go for a Walking Taco. If you don't know what this is I suggest you Google it because you are probably missing one of life's greatest treasures. After the taco it's straight to the roasted ear of corn. Be careful here because often times a vegetable can cause the innards to start percolating and the last thing you want to do is use a toilet at a fair. Just trust me on this one. Next I go for the marinated chicken on a stick. I don't know what they use for marinade but I believe I could eat kangaroo on a stick if it was marinated in that stuff.

After the chicken I'm pretty full of what I call "dinner-type” food and am ready to move on to the "dessert-type" food. Actually, if the budget allows I will squeeze in a rib-eye sandwich at this point. But after that it's straight to the sweets. I don't have to be quite as regimented with the sweets as I do with the meats. Funnel cake, cotton candy, candy apples and the frozen, chocolate-dipped banana can be eaten in pretty much any order. I like to mix it up from year to year. But as you can see even someone as fragile as me can enjoy a night of dining at the fair.

Some might question how an animal lover like myself could enjoy an event that treats animals so barbarically. Let me assure you that from my vantage point those high diving pigs were having the time of their lives. As they were gently nudged from the diving platform you could almost see a smile on their little piggy faces as they plummeted toward the water at 9.8 meters/sec./sec. I learned that in physics class. Don't tell me I wasn't paying attention, Mr. Mayes.

And the coup de gras of the entire night, without question, had to be the monkeys racing on the backs of dogs. First how can you not love the very idea of this? Take a large dog, put a small saddle on his back, then chain a monkey to him and run him around a track surrounded by 500 people. The only thing missing was the chance to gamble on who would win. My money would have been on the shepherd mix with the capuchin monkey jockey. My wife rooted for the blue tick hound with the spider monkey rider but I don't think she has a clue about monkey/dog racing.

So there you have it. Even someone so sensitively designed as me can enjoy a night at the fair. If you haven't been to a fair I highly recommend you plan now to attend next year. And just so you know, I've been practicing with my dogs and some orphaned baby possums in the backyard. Take the Lewis dogs in the trifecta next year and you'll clean up!