Stephen Lewis: Columnist takes financial planner role with PANIC plan on The Murfreesboro Post

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Stephen Lewis: Columnist takes financial planner role with PANIC plan

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By: STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist

Posted: Sunday, October 26, 2008 7:41 am

Due to the recent economic downturn humor has been cut from the Murfreesboro Post’s budget. That will explain Hammerhaid’s column this week. Just kidding Hammerhaid! But, seriously folks now is not the time for joking. This is a scary time for those who do not have the means to hire a financial planner. Someone to help guide you through these treacherous financial waters. That’s why I’m stepping out of my normal role of making fun of others and stepping into the role of financial guru. I see the need many of you have and want to make a difference.

If you want to get through the current recession I suggest you follow my plan. Which is to PANIC! That’s right PANIC. Not the true definition of the word panic, which means go crazy and do stupid stuff. No, I mean my plan which uses the word PANIC as an acronym for a well laid out plan for financial survival during tough times.

Start with the P. The P stands for “Pull out all of your money.” If you have money invested in stocks, bonds, mutual funds, money markets, CDs, savings accounts, pumpkin patches, or bootleg liquor, get it out now. The safest place for your money is buried in your backyard with a small orange flag marker to show you (and me) where it is. If you’ll just let me know when you aren’t home, I’ll come over to make sure it’s safe.

The A is for “Accumulate material possessions.” Paper money is worthless right now. You need to be diversified in material possessions. Take my record collection for instance. I’ve got some of the finest vinyl recordings from the ‘70s and ‘80s thanks to the good people at K-Tel. These are high quality, original artist recordings. I’ve got Don Ho “Grass Skirts and Coconut Bras,” Tom Jones’ “When the Lights Go Down, My Desire Goes Up.” I’ve even got Liberace’s piano version of the Pointer Sister classic “It’s Raining Men.” Give me a break! How was I supposed to know? Sure the feathery boas and outlandish costumes should have been a dead giveaway but I just thought he was a very enthusiastic piano player. Anyway, if you’re interested I can let go of the entire collection for say a couple hundred bucks of your useless paper money.

The N is for “Notify Creditors.” There is nothing that creditors hate worse than people who won’t pay and don’t return their phone calls when they are trying to collect. Therefore, when you get into financial straits I recommend calling your creditors immediately. Whenever I call a creditor, I make sure to tell them I have moved and give them a fake address and phone number. You would be amazed at how this cuts back on the number of harassing calls I get. Works great for me and I highly recommend it for you.

The I is definitely most people’s favorite. “Invest in the economy.” Too many people are squirreling away money when the best thing for the economy is for everyone to spend all their money. Now is the perfect time to buy premium coffees from Starbucks or McDonald’s. Go out and get the top of the line cell phone from Verizon or Sprint. And if you’ve been needing a new car, I think the Toyota Hybrids can’t be beat. Coincidentally these are all companies I have recently invested in so if you could hurry up and go buy some of these I would really appreciate it.

Finally, the C stands for “Create New Income.” Often times it may be difficult for a family to make it on the money brought in by only one or two paychecks. When that happens it may become necessary to think of creative ways to produce more income. I’m not talking about Amway, Avon or selling frozen meat out of the back of a truck. All of those are way too much work and who is buying frozen steaks from some guy in a truck anyway.

Have you ever flipped the switch on the pole outside your house so you could get free HBO? Have you ever messed with your electric meter so it would register less than you actually used for that month? Have you ever ran a splitter from the Internet wire outside your neighbor’s house then carefully dug a small trench to bury the wire and run it behind the vinyl siding on your house up through your bonus room window therefore creating free Internet service for yourself? Really? You haven’t? Well, neither have I. But I hear it’s a great way to make some extra cash if you’re willing to do that sort of thing.

So if things are kind of tight in your family’s budget right now, just remember your new plan: PANIC. You won’t have to live this way forever, just until the economy recovers. And in the meantime you can get by while others struggle to make it. I have to go now. My wife’s complaining that the Internet is down again. Dang splitter!

Tagged under VOICES

Member Opinions:

By: CFW0914 on 10/27/08
I think laughter can be the best medicine when we are stressed. This is not specifically directed at anyone and think it is fine.

By: thisone on 10/29/08
I always thought that you were suppose to take all of your money to the dog track and bet half of it on the dog who does his business before the race. Then bury the rest in the backyard.