| Stephen Lewis: Columnist dishes answers to tough fan mail |
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By: Stephen Lewis, Post columnist
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Posted: Sunday, September 27, 2009 7:32 am
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From the looks of all the fan mail piled up on the kitchen table it seems as though now would be a good time to open up the "old mailbag" and answer a few of them. I used to try and send out a personal note to all the fans but it just became too overwhelming. I've hired my sons to send out a form letter and an autographed picture of myself. For the particularly racy letters from female fans I always have them spray a little Aqua Velva or Old Spice on the picture. Hey, I like to make someone's day occasionally. With that said, let's read a couple of letters, shall we?
Dear Mr. Lewis:
How much does a third-rate hack like yourself get paid to write a column each week?
Signed, Tired of reading your crap.
Dear Tired of reading your (or would that be my) crap:
First, let me thank you for the compliment. My publisher has always insisted that my pay is based on the fact that I'm a fourth-rate hack so I will be seeking a pay raise immediately. In fact my pay is based more on the barter system than on an actual exchange of money. Each week I am allowed to put in one free classified ad in the Post. Up to this point I haven't needed to advertise anything so I've always put in the same ad. Maybe you've seen it. It says: "If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain ..." You can probably finish the rest. Oh, I also get free delivery of the Post to my house every week. Pretty sweet. I wanted to try to get my own cubicle up at the Murfreesboro Post offices but the publisher said the female employees would be too distracted. Or maybe he said they would be too disgusted. I can't remember now.
Dear Stephen:
Why don't I get a Post delivered every week and when I do why is it delivered three feet out in the street?
Signed, Lonely Enough to Care that I Don't Get a Free Newspaper
Dear Lonely,
I'll tell you the same thing I tell everybody who asks me why they didn't get this week's copy of the Post: "I'm not in circulation!" As for why the paper is thrown three feet in the road instead of in your driveway, that's easy. We're just doing you a favor by putting the paper where the next rain will wash it down the sewer drains. You're welcome.
Dear Stephen Lewis:
What's the most controversial column you've ever written?
Signed, Just Curious
Dear Just Curious:
Are you kidding? How long have you been reading my columns? Unless you just started you should know my most controversial column had to be my investigative piece on night crawler abuse on earthworm farms in El Salvador. It was titled: "Battered Worms: When will the Suffering of Man's Distant Legless Cousins End?" It was touching, it was compelling, it was controversial, it was slimy. I was up to my elbows in night crawler dung! Oh yeah, there was that article about President Obama that caused a minor brush up. That would be a close second I suppose.
Well, that's about all the room I'm allotted for this week. If I go over my designated amount of space I lose my free ad space. And who knows, this could be the week someone "with half a brain" sees it. Besides I've got to get to the store for some more cologne. Maybe I'll switch over to Brut for a while.


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