By STEPHEN LEWIS - May 11, 2008

Whew! I just got in from the Bible Park Job Fair. If you haven’t heard, the people proposing to build a Bible Park in Blackman held a job fair to find approximately 1,200 employees. Seeing a great opportunity to cinch up my spot in Heaven, I went to search out a new career.

The first table I went to was interviewing construction supervisors and laborers. Now I’m no professional carpenter, but hey, neither was Jesus. Oh, wait, maybe he was. Anyway, I sat down and attempted to answer some of their questions. I know carpenters do a lot of measuring. I’m very good at converting inches to feet and feet to yards, so I felt confident I could answer any of their questions. But when they started asking me about cubits, spans, handbreadths and fingerbreadths I knew I was out of my league. I can use a measuring tape, but I’m no Noah.

I left that table and went to look for something I’m a little more familiar with. The next table that drew my interest was interviewing for cooks and kitchen supervisors. It’s no secret that I make a mean egg sandwich and a grilled cheese to die for, so I stepped right up to interview for a position as a cook. Plus the three days I worked at McDonald’s 10 years ago gave me all the experience I would need. But when the first question was how would I plan a meal for 5,000 park visitors using five fish and seven loaves of bread I realized it was time to move on.

A long time dream of mine is to one day be a carnie. I love the way the people at fairs don’t have to worry about bathing, or shaving, or brushing their teeth, or wearing clean clothes, or anything that the rest of society seems to value. So I went to the table interviewing people to run the rides. I like water attractions, so I interviewed to run the baptismal dunking booth. The only qualification is the ability to walk on water. A sign on the table said, “Local Politicians Need Not Apply.” I guess they just think they can walk on water.

Since I can’t walk on water – at least not yet – I moved on to the table that was interviewing for ticket sales. I’m fairly trustworthy, and I can count back change without having to have a cash register tell me the amount, which is more than I can say for most people in Murfreesboro who do run registers. But I’ll be danged if I know how many shekels are in a dinaria. Or vice versa.

The only table I hadn’t interviewed at was the entertainment table. I remember enjoying many of the shows at Opryland years ago, so I thought it might be fun to be in something like that. After all, I’m an experienced juggler, and I can almost ride a unicycle. Unfortunately, they weren’t in need of a juggler or unicycle rider, so I signed up for the only positions they had available. I don’t know what a concubine is, but I figure it’s some animal closely related to a porcupine. I guess I’ll dress up in a concubine outfit and walk around the park like Goofy, Mickey and Pluto do at Disney World.

So, as you can see, I’m a big supporter of the Bible Park coming to Murfreesboro. Maybe we can funnel some of the tax money that goes into schools, fire and police departments, sanitation and streets into the pockets of the park developers. With God so close by we can just pray really hard that our children get educated, criminals will behave, and everyone will recycle to the point that we won’t need garbage service. Besides, what do I care? After all, I get to be a concubine!