| Stephen Lewis: As Powerball winner, first purchase would be new wiper blades |
|
By: STEPHEN LEWIS, Post Columnist
|
Posted: Sunday, March 22, 2009 7:33 am
|
 Email  Print
|
What a great story. Local woman wins $1,000,000 from scratch off ticket. I don't know this woman but I've been trying like heck to get her phone number. After all, I think it's time my kids meet their new mommy. I've got lots of plans for us once we get together as an actual family. How can she refuse? After all, I'm a hard-working man, or at least I was before I met Miss Moneybags. I mean my new dearly beloved!
I've always had a fascination with the lottery. I thought it was interesting that when a lottery in Tennessee was being debated there was so much controversy about it. The only thing that mattered to me was that my kids were going to get a scholarship to college. I don't care who buys the tickets as long as I don't have to foot the complete bill. And even though I've never actually played the lottery, I do like to imagine what I would do with the money if I won.
My kids say I'm so cheap I'd probably just bury it in the backyard or stack it in the spare bedroom and go roll in it every once in a while. I don't think so. Just the other day I was driving to work in the pouring rain. My 20-year-old truck with 291,000 miles and four bald tires was hydroplaning nicely down I-24 at 75 miles an hour. With no working radio I had my iPod in to drown out everything around me. With approximately one inch of rubber wiper blade still attached to the wiper arm and the rest flapping in the wind, I had about one inch of visibility out my windshield during the monsoon. It was just enough to see the Powerball sign that gave the current total of $173 million for the next winner. I began to dream of what I would do if I won all that money. Lots of things raced through my mind but it all came back to my current situation. If I won all that money, I would definitely get some new wiper blades. Without question.
Then I would get all four of my cars one of those fancy oil changes where they check all the fluids and even vacuum the interior. The last few years I just drive till the oil light comes on, then put three or four quarts of oil in till the next time the light comes on. Oooh, oooh, I'd also buy a tank of gas at one of those gas stations with a car wash. I don't think a millionaire should drive dirty cars.
I also don't think a millionaire should drive clean cars and still have the same look he's had for 20 years. The next thing I'd do is go to a fancy salon and get one of those haircuts where they wash your hair before they cut it. Then I'd ask for the "Brad Pitt." I think I've gone with the "Forrest Gump" long enough. If they had one of those people that do your fingernails for you I might even try that. I usually just gnaw mine down till they bleed but it might be nice to have a professional gnaw them down for me.
Of course my clothes would have to be updated. No way a millionaire can go around in sweatpants with a drawstring. I'd have to buy a pair of those sweatpants with a button like the ones I saw in the window of one of those hip-hop type stores in the mall. And no more Wal-Mart tennis shoes. I think if you're a millionaire you can afford to finally start shopping at Target.
And probably the best thing about having $173 million would be that when I took the family out to eat at our favorite Chinese buffet we could all order our own soft drinks instead of four waters and one Coke which we all share. I'm sure the servers are a little suspicious when they have to fill our Coke glass every 45 seconds and the waters never get touched.
Hey, don't judge me. Cokes are expensive. Especially for a family of five.
But anyway, it's all just a pipe dream since I don't even buy lottery tickets. If I get rich it'll have to be from one of those Ponzi schemes I've been studying up on. And actually I've got some pretty good investment leads if you've got a couple thousand laying around. Give me a call. If the lines busy keep trying. I'm probably just trying to get a hold of my future wife. |
|
|
|
|
|
Login and voice your opinion!
|
Digg
Facebook
MySpace
Yahoo!