Mrs. Murfreesboro: Saying bye to pantyhose for a while on The Murfreesboro Post

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Mrs. Murfreesboro: Saying bye to pantyhose for a while

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By: JEANNE BRAG

Posted: Monday, March 16, 2009 10:55 am

Among the numerous reasons I can’t wait for spring is the ability to say adieu to pantyhose for a while.

Pantyhose. The bane of a woman’s existence.

I grew up in the era of stockings sold in boxes by size and garter belts.

Man, was that torture! Stockings never came in a size that fit me (I was short) and those garter belts were far from the risqué teasers touted by Victoria’s Secret. They were closer to shackles than anything in memory. I never want to go back to those days.

I get mad when I look at girls who have the choices between opaque tights, clear ones, knee-highs and/or any other kind of myriad coverings for their legs and feet, I am envious.

Kind of like the envy I get when thinking about how college kids have the ability to type “term papers” with the luxury of computers. Back in our days, when typing was required, we had beg to borrow a typewriter and pray that we didn’t make a mistake on our very last line so we wouldn’t have to start over again. But that’s another story.

I still think the things marketed as pantyhose these days are far from the answer women want.

I try to wear pants in the winter to keep me from having to wear stockings for any reason, even at black tie functions. I also try to find dresses long enough to keep my bare feet from showing.

But a funeral or wedding oftentimes means biting the bullet and pulling out those dreaded garments. Sometimes there’s no way around it.

I usually keep a pair or two on hand but I’ve had a hard time finding a variety at the places I usually buy them. Have you looked for pantyhose lately?

When discussing this subject with my friend/walking buddy Pat, she, too, admitted that she steers clear of them at any cost. That’s probably why stores aren’t selling them. Nobody wants to buy them anymore.

Back when you actually could find pantyhose, they were among the most frequently discounted items; possibly because there are so many variables—size, color, sandal foot, reinforced, control top, sheer from the waist down; lots of variables. So when one searched for a size-B, black, reinforced-toe, if it wasn’t there one went somewhere else.

Years ago when I was discussing the dilemma of what size to buy, a friend of mine said, “Oh I never have a problem with that … I just look on the back of the package and buy what size they say I need.”

That worked one time. I realized the recommended size was not the one for me, so I kept buying bigger.

I am not proud of the fact that I have to buy pantyhose in a couple of sizes larger than I would like, but so be it. So last week when I opened a new package, imagine my surprise when stockings marketed as XL folded out with a waist measurement of 16 inches.

I am not kidding. Sixteen inches! I took the ruler to them. They don’t make elastic that can stretch from 16 to anything bigger than 24. And I seriously doubt that the average waist size of the modern woman is 24 inches or smaller.

That being my last pair, I spent another miserable evening with my stockings straddling my thighs.

Pat did say that she buys the house brand from a large national drug store chain, my next approach.

Yet another reason spring can’t come soon enough.

‘Til next week.

Tagged under MRS. MURFREESBORO

Member Opinions:

By: Oblio on 3/20/09
I am not interested in this topic but know a couple of guys who are. For one of them his interest might be classified as a spectator sport. The other is really, literally, into pantyhose. (Remember, I said that I knew them and did not say that they are my close friends.) As Mrs. Murfreesboro would say, these are stories for another time.

I'll make a deal. I will not write my pantyhose stories if she promises not to revisit the subject in a subsequent column.