| Even though fellow columnist Stephen Lewis doesn’t believe in “global warming hooey,” and indeed he is joined by many, many others but still believes in trying to conserve on his own, shall-we-say unique way, the weather of the past few years has me thinking we are definitely seeing climate change, the new euphemism for global warming. I don’t know if things are getting warmer, colder or spaghetti and meatballs, but it sure seems like something is happening. As this is being written Friday afternoon rain comes down in deluges the likes of which we haven’t seen since Noah started gathering up gopher wood, with a weather forecast calling for a significant chance of rain for the foreseeable future (whatever that actually is for weather predictions). Maybe it’s me, as George Constanza would argue. Still, it seems like we have been wetter and cooler all of 2009. I haven’t checked but I know it either rained or was 33 degrees every other day all year except last Sunday when I had a little time off and tried to get four weekends of yard work done in one day, well, most of one day. I forget Pirtle Rule #671: At my age physical labor would be limited strictly to four-hour intervals. And Pirtle Rule #487: If you have to take ibuprofen when you play tennis so you can walk and move your arms without whining and moaning, you darn well better take it when you spend more than four hours using limb loppers overhead. Plus Pirtle Rule #322: If work gloves weren’t supposed to be for men why do they make them in men’s sizes. And, just how manly does it look to have scrapes, scars and cuts all over your hands, like you tried to stop a catfight barehanded? Not to mention Missus Pirtle Rule #14: You cut it down; you drag the brush to the street. And, of course, Pirtle Rule #1143: Don’t work in the yard until you can’t move if you haven’t dragged the brush to the street. Finally, Pirtle Rule No. 2: No matter how tired, sick, sunburned, hit-by-truck or whatever you are, the family is still going to expect you to grill something Sunday night. As I watched water pouring out of the upper level gutters of the Pirtle household (think Niagara Falls) Friday morning, I attempted unsuccessfully to formulate a new role about priorities, like getting the maple whirlythingies out of the gutter instead of trimming limbs that will still be there without harm the next time. Now I’m working on a new rule tied somehow to global climate change or something that says grass shouldn’t be walked while bushes and trees should be allowed to grow just anyway and anyhow they want. By the time I’m finished I’m expecting an Emmy and Nobel Prize. Well, at least my hands won’t be all scratched up. ••• Passage of Sen. Jim Tracy’s ban on texting while driving in the state legislature drew quite a robust discussion online at murfreesboropost.com. Yeah, the law probably does duplicate existing law. Yeah, it does simply make law out of common sense. But, if you drive much as defined by any, you know we actually do need the law as obvious as it seems. Despite what we might think, common sense isn’t common. Where was it during the Red scare of the 1950s, when drug use became the rage in the ‘60s, when leisure suits were popular in the ‘80s, when a Reagan administration official said you could pile dirt on top of a door to avoid nuclear radiation, when Bill Clinton parsed the meaning of “is” or when some doofus came up with New Coke? If common sense was common, bathtub caulk wouldn’t carry a warning “Not for internal use.” Liquor bottles and cigarettes wouldn’t carry labels to declare the surgeon general doesn’t think these products work well with pregnancy. Lawn darts would never have made the toy aisle. Honestly, and I am a sinner in this regard, Sen. Tracy needs a law requiring state drivers to use hands-free devices on cell phones. Drive around town for five minutes and you will have to admit the absolute need for that law. Unless you are on your cell phone in which case you won’t even have noticed other folks on the road. Despite what people on my street say, we have no need for a ban on driving while drinking coffee and trying a tie. ••• Ain’t nobody ever, ever, ever got swine flu from a pork chop. Now get out there and help our Tennessee Pork Producers stay in business. |
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