Which magazine made a bid for increased circulation, so to speak, by judging American cities by their appreciation for, ahem, shall we say, erotica?
It wasn’t Playboy, Esquire or GQ.
It wasn’t even the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.
The April 2012 edition of Men’s Health magazine ranked 100 American cities based on residents’ tendencies to satisfy their carnal urges through the media.
The criteria: the number of X-rated DVDs purchased, rented or streamed; the number of adult entertainment stores; the rate of searches for pornography on the Internet; and the percentage of households subscribing to Cinemax, which cable television mavens consider the most sex-saturated of all the networks devoted exclusively to movies.
No. 10 is Austin, Texas.
The hometown of “Austin City Limits” and “South by Southwest” apparently isn’t satisfied by a musically liberated environment alone.
Anchorage, Alaska, mushes in at No. 9. Well, it is cold and the nights are long.
Tampa, Fla., is No. 8. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes, it’s not. Apparently, you don’t have to inhale to enjoy.
No. 7 is Atlanta. The old maxim about Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport applies here.
Whether you’re going to heaven or hell, you have to go through Atlanta first.
Minneapolis is No. 6. Again, it’s cold up there. And with a twin named St. Paul, you have to be the sexier one by default.
Charlotte and Raleigh apparently had a running bet. The North Carolina cities wound up fifth and fourth, respectively. They’re both college towns – enough said.
Believe it or not, the third-ranking smutty city in the United States is Wilmington, Del.
The only thing I have to say about that is Vice President Joe Biden’s image just got a big boost.
The No. 2 city is Las Vegas. At first, this might seem a natural. After all, it’s a city with legalized gambling in a state with legalized prostitution.
However, bear in mind that Men’s Health based its list on how people get their kicks with dirty movies, dirty websites, and dirty adult toys and appliances.
In short, if you need extra imagery to get excited in a city like Vegas, you’re probably a loser.
And the No. 1 sleazy city in America, according to Men’s Health magazine, based on statistics from such pristine sources as Cinemax, Google Inc., StorErotica.com and AdultDVDEmpire.com is the East Coast home of Mickey Mouse.
Orlando, Fla., where mom and dad take the kids every summer to experience the wholesome thrills of Disney World and SeaWorld, is the most sexually desperate city in the country.
It really is a small world, after all.
By the way, the only Tennessee cities to make the list are Nashville at No. 49 and Memphis at No. 75.
New Orleans, where William “Dollar Bill” Jefferson just went to prison and the Saints just went to NFL purgatory, is only ranked 40th on the list.
Tampa will host the Republican National Convention from Aug. 27 until Aug. 30.
Charlotte will host the Democratic National Convention Sept. 3 through Sept. 7.
Obviously, even C-SPAN isn’t totally free from pornography.