To the editor,
How many of you out there in Frugalville wait by your mailboxes with anticipated delight for your next bill? Anyone? Anyone? Amazingly, I see no hands raised. The truth is none of us like to pay bills but they are a necessary evil in order to get the service we want. With that said, I’d like to remind you that when those wonderful pieces of mail arrive along with their handy little return envelopes, it would be wise to stop and look at the charges before blindly writing out a check for the amount.
Case in point, friends and fellow mail receivers: Recently I retrieved a bill in my mailbox for my cable TV. I knew it was going to be higher this month because two weeks ago they sent me a letter of apology, stating that a month ago they had misapplied my money somewhere else. Somebody named Cubical Bob probably saw a set of new shiny screwdrivers on sale at Home Depot and used the money I sent in to purchase them. A wild guess on my part but, hey, it could happen. Nevertheless, my upcoming bill would have two payments due on it, according to the apology letter.
Upon careful examination of my bill, my superb investigative skills learned from a Super Spy Kit I got in second grade helped me sniff out a $4.95 late fee tacked on like a homeless leech. Well, spank my granny, I thought (but would never actually do since she makes the best chocolate chip cookies this side of the Wabash River!) The cable company had misapplied my hard earned money and now they were charging me a late fee! “I don’t think so,” said I, flexing my flabby muscles with eyebrows raised.
In a New York minute so fast that would make Flash Gordon blush, I was on the phone with the cable company. Mr. Cubical Ralph, who sits near Cubical Bob, answered my call and we began our discussion. I informed him that I had no problem making two payments (even though it was their fault) but that I wasn’t quite ready to ride the late fee bandwagon into the sunset of personal bankruptcy. He jokingly said, “So you’re one of those customers who doesn’t like to pay late fees, aren’t you?” The temptation to reply back, “Duh, bird brain,” was on my lips but I held back, deciding to calmly answer, “Yes, I am one of those customers.” Putting me on hold with no elevator music or a Best of Dionne Warwick remix, Ralph went to clear up the mistake. He soon returned and informed me that the late fee had been tossed into the Atlantic Ocean where the big three automakers were fishing for extra money.
I kindly thanked Ralph, wished him a politically incorrect “Merry Christmas,” and hung up the phone. My mission was complete and victory had been secured! A few minutes later I called my wife at her job and proudly told her that El hubby’O may not have climbed Mt. Everest or swam the English Channel but he had valiantly removed a late fee from the cable bill. She said, “Thanks, big guy.” Then asked me to “valiantly” remove the overflowing trash can from her kitchen before sundown.
Word to the wise, my friend … checks them thar bills before you pay them. You just may have a $4.95 late fee accidentally tacked on that you could use to apply to your next Starbuck’s purchase. In these days of penny-pinching, may you and I be able to boldly ascend the highest Middle Tennessee hill (or the Batman building in downtown Nashville) and roar with every fiber of our being: “LATE FEES BE GONE!”
… OK, I feel better now. Have a happy and blessed new year!!!
Doug Dumpert
Verde Court, Murfreesboro
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