With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy.
Not many people can live up to the name “Hammerhaid.” Inquiring minds, in particular Stephen Lewis, want to know what it takes to meet the high standards. Here’s the Top 10 reasons you might be a Hammerhaid. Naturally since the Post tries harder, we have included 11.
Just be glad it wasn’t the Top 20.
1. You met the love of your life in the Blue Light section of Kmart.
2. Your clothing “style” reflects the new “retro” 1970s look, and you haven’t bought any new clothes since 1976. “Dang those polyester shirts really make you sweat under that safari jacket.”
3. You only wear free, promotional T-shirts and are stunned when the Lioness Club doesn’t have any Double XX size for their annual run. Club members are shocked as well because you never ran in the race, much less paid a registration fee. “Duh, I read somewheres about the free T-shirt.”
4. You are voting for Obama just to agitate your daddy, who keeps wondering who is putting those &^%$ Obama signs in his yard. “If he picks Hillary for veep, my life will be complete.”
5. You have been wearing the same pair of shoes since 1982, and they smell so bad that the family dog leaves the room when you walk in. “But they are the only comfortable shoes I own.” They are the only shoes you own except for the bronzed booties on top of the TV.
6. You never wear your shirttail tucked in due to being traumatized by strict dress codes in 1969 at Central High Schools. “It’s so slenderizing....”
7. You saw the Eagles in concert at Murphy Center and are still griping about the tickets costing $10. “I don’t care if I was on the sixth row — that’s still too high. Ol’ Bubba got in for free and got a backstage pass.”
8. Your special honeymoon dinner cost $4.50, and it was chateaubriand for two by candlelight. “That baked potato was the size of a loaf of bread, and the steak was soooooo tender. The same dinner costs $42.50 now.”
9. You have a cowboy hat that’s large enough to embarrass Charlie Daniels. “They called it the biggun. Too bad the shirt I used to wear with it disappeared.” To quote Betty Lou, “There’s not enough room for me and that hat in the car.”
10. You still know all the words to the Ray Stevens’ song “The Streak.” “This is your action news reporter once again, and we're here at the gas station. Pardon me, sir, did you see what happened? Yeah I did.”
11. You go on a special trip to Las Vegas with your 82-year-old parents ... and you dine at a place called “The Cat House.”
T-t-t-t-that’s r-r-r-r-r-r-r-right.
|
Email
Print
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Google
Yahoo!