MIKE WEST, Managing Editor
Posted: Sunday, February 14, 2010 7:03 am

“Happy Valentine’s Day, you all,” Hammerhaid said bright and early.

Today, after all, is the day in question. And for you hubbies that forgot it, your last hope is either a convenience market (gas station) or Wallyworld.

Of course, Hammerhaid is one of those nuts that tries to be creative on this most commercial of days.

Really, he would be better off just getting the traditional gifts of red roses, candy and a card.

Red roses? Why not a more unique color?

Hammerhaid found that out the hard way when he got a bouquet of mixed roses one year. Red – not yellow, pink or whatever – is the traditional color for (pardon the expression) love and romance.

Why red?

‘Cause it is a tradition that goes way back. Or at least back to the start of Hammerhaid and Betty Lou. (Dang!) Really, it dates back to the 1700s when roses were first brought in from China. They are the parents of many of today's hybrid roses and they brought a change to the form of the flower.

Why not some rare, more unusual color rose like pink or yellow?

‘Cause. The pink rose is a symbol of admiration, not of the L-word. The yellow rose, unless you’re from Texas, is even worse. It is a symbol of friendship. The even rarer white rose is a symbol of honor and reverence, not unlike flowers for a funeral.

Now some of the unusual colored roses do reflect strong meanings.

Like the lavender rose symbolizes L--- at first sight. And the orange rose shows an energetic, strong love .... for the University of Tennessee. So you Tennessee boys need to stay away from that one too, unless your wife or girlfriend loves football. And after last season, you probably need to stay away from orange roses completely.

And there’s the black rose. It symbolizes death to Hammerhaid or any other man who even considered buying it.

Don’t forget the time, Hammerhaid in a holiday hurry, bought that Guns N’ Roses CD for Betty Lou. She still hasn’t gotten over that one. H-haid liked to have never climbed out of that “Welcome to the Jungle” pit.

As for candy. It’s gotta be chocolate and in Betty Lou’s case ... no nuts or coconut. Believe me, that’s hard to find unless you go with Brother Hershey in big bars. Uhhh, better make that GIANT bars.

Probably for the perfect gift, he should take Betty Lou to Hershey, Pa. for a stay at the Hotel Hershey or the Hershey Lodge right smack dab in the town that chocolate built.

While that may sound like a good idea, the town is located in Pennsylvania, which is absolutely covered with snow. Can you say blizzard? And while Betty Lou might enjoy that, Hammerhaid’s already experienced enough of the white stuff for a year.

With flowers and candy finally outta the way, that just leaves Hammerhaid with the gift he usually forgets ... a card.

“There’s lots of romantic cards out there and tons of silly ones, but finding the right card is tough,” Hammerhaid explained. “That’s why I usually wait until the last second when most of the good ones are gone and end up with something like ‘roses are red, violets are blue....’

The ol’ H-man usually walks around with two or three cards in his hand and usually ends up putting them all down.

“I just can’t seem to find the perfect one ... or even one that’s half right,” he grumbled.

In some cases it might be appropriate to make a special card?

Nope, no way. That’s an impossibility for the H-man. A 3-year-old is far more artistic than Hammerhaid, who would just render a mess. Maybe a letter would be appropriate? Nope, that would just make Betty Lou mad given H-haid's way with words like the time he wished her a “Happy VD” with a hand-made card.

This year’s even more complicated thanks to the surprise birthday party, Betty Lou threw for the H-man earlier this week. He was caught so off guard that he hid in the garage for a while to recover from the shock. Dang, you fooled him again!

So he made his choices and now on Valentine’s Day, he’s gotta live with them. Did he go traditional or did he do his usual madcap thing? You just will have to ask Betty Lou, cause Hammerhaid ain’t telling.

T-t-t-t-t-t-t-that’s r-r-r-r-r-r-r-right.