Don’t call Hammerhead a Bubba.
Why? Number of reasons. Chief being that calling Hammerhead a Bubba is sorta like calling Michael Jordan just a basketball player. “The King of the Bubbas” might be more accurate. (Or maybe King of the Butthaids?)
Well anyway, Bubba is one of H-haid’s favorite applications for other male types. He rarely calls people by their real name. It’s either “hay Bubba,” “hay Slick,” “hay Butthead” or some other nickname that Hammerhead has assigned them for no apparent reason.
Here’s the text of a typical Hammerhead phone call:
“Hay Bubba, you gonna go t’over to that thang over there at whatchimecallit’s tonight? Oh, you know, over at whathisname’s down the street from where Victory’s Market used to be? K. Bye?”
Never mind that the Bubba he’s talking to moved to Murfreesboro 30 years after Victory’s closed and that it’s been the location of Screen Art for a decade or so.
Of course, this is not the only deficiency in Hammerhead’s vocabulary.
One of his major problems is the lack of a good term for a Bubba of the female sex.
Hammerhead just doesn’t like the term Bubbette. Just doesn’t flow off the tongue right, as in:
“You gonna go t’over Bubbette’s?”
Of course, Hammerhead used the word girl for years to refer to women he has known since grade school.
“You know that girl ... oh, you know. The one that used ta chase ol’ Bobby ‘round the playground trying to kiss him,” he would say.
That girl he was referring to has grandkids older than Bobby was way back then in the first grade. Of course, she is actually reaching the age again when the non-PC title “girl” doesn’t seem so offensive. In fact with walking, working out and all that good stuff, she is in better shape than ever before.
To her gal pals, she is “one of the girls.” But better not catch her 22-year-old boss call her “girl!”
For Hammerhead the word “girl” is safer than his usual “gal,” cause he usually precedes it with the words “that ol’.”
Course, even gal is better than a term that he formerly used frequently ... specifically heifer. Thank goodness he retired that one.
For all you folks not born in Middle Tennessee, the dictionary term for a heifer is a young female cow that has not ... uh, how can we term it ... not been bred. (Nope, we better not say that.) Let us rephrase ... oh ... forget it.
Over the years on the farm, the term heifer was usually applied to any stubborn cow, like the old Jersey who always would kick over the milk bucket when it was nearly full. Of course, the Jersey wasn’t a heifer in the technical sense, but she was stubborn and full of little devious tricks. (Oops, we are treading in dangerous waters once again.)
To Hammerhaid, the term “heifer” was a glowing complement. And I am not kidding. He used to refer to wife Betty Lou as a heifer all the time.
Course, Hammerhead even can’t get away with that any more. But back in the day, you had to be a heifer before you don’t mind being called one ... or something like that.
Hammerhead does manage to avoid the “B” word except for a substitute for the word, griping.
Don’t get me wrong ... He does use the word “woman,” but unfortunately, it is always applied to someone of his mother’s generation. Even the word “lady” seems to have some negative feel to it.
And there is the much younger generation’s “shawdy,” sometimes pronounced shortie. There’s no way that will work for Hammerhaid. To him, Shorty is Slim’s best buddy and first cousin to Slick.
So, it is obvious we have a problem here. The topic is open for discussion. Got any suggestions for an appropriate replacement for “Bubbette?” If you do, let the H-man know. |
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