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| Hammerhaid: May the acai berry fly up your nose and elsewhere |
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By: MIKE WEST, Managing Editor
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Posted: Sunday, September 27, 2009 7:32 am
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Don’t know about you, but all those junk e-mails are about to wear Hammerhaid down.
“I am, as my wife says, plain dumb, but even I’m not dense enough to fall for all those scam e-mails,” H’haid explained as he impatiently cleared his e-mail box earlier this week.
He gets quite an assortment of junk mails, but most of them hit in one of four spots ... weight loss, sex, wealth and, for some *&^% reason, watches.
“I get the same watch one five or six times a day...every day. It pushes ‘High quality timepieces at low price. 66% off .’”
While that ad might appeal to watch collectors, or people who like being on time, neither grabs ol’ Hammerhaid’s attention.
“I haven’t worn a watch for years,” he confessed. And why? “I don’t like watch bands. The metal ones yank out the hair on my arms, and the leather ones stink ... literally.”
So how does he keep from being late?
“Duh, I just check the time on my cell phone,” he explained. “Otherwise, I just go by what my gut tells me. You can set a watch by it. It always tells me when it’s 6:30 or 11:30 a.m. or 5:30 p.m.”
That’s dull, but all so true.
Besides, he is surrounded by clocks at work, in the car and where ever he goes.
OK, what about weight loss?
“Well, it is a concern every time I step on the scales at the doctor, but I’m well on my way. Of course, if I would exercise a bit, that problem would disappear,” he said.
But that doesn’t stop him from getting acai berry e-mails by the thousands.
As for Hammerhaid, he has absolutely no idea what an acai berry is. Frankly, he could care less unless Betty Lou could bake it into a pie.
“Harvested in the rainforests of Brazil, acai tastes like a vibrant blend of berries and chocolate,” he read on one Web site.
Then (don’t tell anybody) he clicked over to Oprah’s site.
On August 19, 2009, Harpo, Inc., producers of The Oprah Winfrey Show and The Dr. Oz Show, along with Dr. Mehmet Oz, filed a trademark infringement complaint against 40 Internet marketers of dietary supplements, including acai berry products among others. Neither Ms. Winfrey nor Dr. Oz has ever sponsored or endorsed any acai berry, resveratrol, colon cleanse or dietary supplement product.
Hmmmm....
Of course, many of H-man’s bogus e-mails deal with improving his sex life.
Like ... “Walk proudly on the beach wearing tight swim trunks.” Or “Virtual sex is fun but real one 10 times better.” How about “Give her super feelings tonight.” And there are the constant Canadian pharmacy ones highlighting various drugs better than Viagra.
Hammerhaid knows better than to click on any of those.
Of course there’s the occasional breast enhancement offer, but most of those go to Betty Lou.
“You reckon they actually look at your name to determine your sex?” he wondered. Doubt it, but Hammerhaid does get his share of below-the-belt e-mails, including some from RU Ripped. That’s not to mention all of those colon ones urging him to “purify, cleanse, look better, feel better.”
In recent months, he has received flocks of e-mails about “homeowner in distress” with the ones he looked at offering a direct connection to Barack Obama’s good deeds.
But the largest percentage of them has been warnings from the FBI and IRS who have issued countless “notice of underreported income.”
“The first few of those were pretty scary, cause they looked official. Then I looked a little bit closer and noticed grammatical errors, etc. and so forth,” he said.
And ol’ Hammerhaid managed to figger that out on his own without the “improved mental clarity” offered by acai berry.
T-t-t-t-that’s r-r-r-r-r-right. |
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