You know how when you go to a carnival or amusement park they have those signs “You must be this tall to ride this ride?”
These signs always have a corresponding measuring stick that marks off, let’s say, 42 inches. Of course, this is just an easy way of saying the riders need to be 9 or 10 years old.
Hammerhaid can understand the practicality of such safety measures which prevents tots from being ejected from rides like the Zipper and the Hymn-na-lay-ya.
“Uh, that’s the Himalaya, Hammerhaid,” explained brother E.W. “Like the mountain range.”
“Well, it may be like the mountain range to you,” Hammerhaid said. “But I like my version better because if I was to get on that ride I would be singing a hymn for that ride to stop so I could go over the sidewalk and lay my sick *&^% down.”
However, you can’t judge carnival rides by Hammerhaid’s standards because even the merry-go-round gives him the swimhead.
“Why do they run those merry-go-rounds so fast? When I was a kid they were sooooooo slow that we would scream for them to speed it. The merry-go-round was a baby ride,” he explained.
“Actually, most rides are safer and slower than they used to be decades ago,” E.W. said. “They aren’t faster, it’s just you that is slowing down.”
Well, anyway. ...
“I think they need signs on some of these rides saying no one over the age of 18 should be allowed to ride,” wife Betty Lou agreed.
Huh?
“What I am saying is that you have to be young and fearless to ride something like the Zipper,” she continued. “A 10-year-old can ride it and come out laughing. Teenagers can get on it three times in a row and be no worse for wear.”
“What you are saying is it would be death for a fool like me to even think about getting on the Zipper,” Hammerhaid asked.
“Yes, that is what I am saying so don’t you get any bright ideas about the midway at the Tennessee State Fair,” Betty Lou ordered.
Like most people over 40, H-haid enjoys the fair for people watching and the food. Where else can you get a foot-long corn dog with a side of cotton candy?
And it is his love of carnival food that helps mess up his desire to ride the midway rides. Hammerhaid previously learned his lesson on Disney World’s Space Mountain, which by today’s standards is a lame-o ride. He rode it three times straight after eating two chili dogs for breakfast. Yup.
“I didn’t urp, but I certainly wasn’t at my best for a few hours,” he said.
It is a point of pride for Hammerhaid to say he has never “urped” on a carnival ride.
“Big deal,” pointed out E.W. “That’s not too hard to do if you refuse to ride anything that goes more than 10 feet off the ground.”
Not to mention the fact he similarly refuses to ride anything that turns him upside down or spins fast like those disgusting teacup rides.
That’s not to say he is totally a wimp.
There was a day when he enjoyed rides like the old Tilt-O-Whirl and the Whip, but those days are like his hair ... gone.
Last time he climbed on the Tilt-0-Whirl, he didn’t get dizzy, but his neck was stiff for days.
“A man’s gotta know his limitations,” Hammerhaid explained.
“However, it is up to government to protect those too ignorant to know their own. And like somebody once said, there is no fool like an old fool,” Betty Lou said.
“The only thing worse is an old fool trying to act like young fool,” Hammerhaid agreed.
“Do you honestly think a sign would keep an old fool off the Zipper?” Hammerhaid asked.
“Maybe if the sign was totally honest and told the specific hazards,” Betty Lou said.
“Naw, that would just make it more of a challenge to them,” Hammerhaid said.
“You are forgetting the ‘truest’ thing you ever told me,” she said.
“Uh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h,” he stalled as he went through a mental checklist. “Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h....”
“All men think they are 18 when a pretty girl is around. And that is the absolute truth,” Betty Lou said. “They disregard the fact that pretty girl sees them as an old, bald-headed toothless fool.”
T-t-t-t-t-t-t-that’s r-r-r-r-r-r-r-right. |
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