Punkins – that’s what Hammerhaid calls them – ain’t what they used ta be.
That should draw a big, collective “DUH!” from the crowd.
Back in the day, it was a true joy to pick the biggest “punkin” from Grandpa’s glorious pumpkin patch. Picking the right one was truly a momentous occasion that took a long, long time and required the complete search of the patch until the final decision was made ... or until Pa revealed the one that he had been specially cultivating for the day.
It was always a beaut.
“Those old-fashion punkins had a different color that was much less bold that the ones you see today. That’s because they were actual pumpkins. The ones you see today are really gourds. Believe it or not,” H-haid said.
“Those gourds have that great orange color and get so much bigger. The old-fashion punkins just faded away except for pie making and such,” he said.
For most Americans, bigger is better and Hammerhaid is no exception. Whatever ... but price does enter into the equation. The biggest pumpkins carry a hefty price. So Punkin-uh-Hammerhaid was stuck with the biggest gourd he could buy for 5 bucks. And that was OK with him, $5 could buy a nice-sized pumpkin.
Then some chemist somewhere invented the plastic foam pumpkin. The originals didn’t look all that great, but later generations of the product looked fantastic. But the durn things were pricey.
Never fear. Close-out comes to all things. So at the end of the season a few years back, H’haid acquired himself a “plat-tick punkin.” In fact, it is a stack of three jack-o-lantern with friendly faces and a built-in light. No muss, no fuss. The hardest part of it is finding the box marked H-ween in the attic.
But does he miss carving a real-life jack-o-lantern?
“Well, I do in a way, but it lost its charm a few years back when one of those razor-sharp hobby knifes slipped outta my hand and stuck between my big toe and old tall boy.
Decorating takes about 15 minutes. Hammerhaid places the punkin, hooks up the drop cord, puts the black wreath on the door and places the fake black cat. (He’s also got a real one with green eyes that all the kids love.) Then he fastens up the strobe light, drapes a few fake spider webs and he’s good to go.
The truly hard part is making all of those trips to the store to load up on candy. Somebody keeps eating it! Imagine that. He’s on his sixth giant, family-sized bag and it’s going fast.
With Halloween more than a week away, he’s bound to go throw down a few hundred more Kit-Kats, Peanut Butter Cups and Hershey minis. Ain’t life grand! And the beauty of it is there’s nary a kid within two blocks of his hacienda.
T-t-t-t-t-t-that’s r-r-r-r-r-r-right. |
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