Dang, the Fourth of July is upon us and Hammerhaid’s still behind in his preparations.
Dang those ol’ City Hall daddies who have tightened up the fireworks laws so law-abiding pests like the ol H-main can’t fire off firecrackers and bottle rockets for at least two weeks before an after the Fourth.
Dang, what would Gen. Robert E. Lee say?
He wouldn’t say squat ... after all many Confederate states didn’t celebrate Independence Day for four or five decades after the conclusion of the Civil War. But nowadays, many of the great fireworks have Southern sounding names and are made by folks like the Dixie Fireworks Co.
Well, anyway.
Hammerhaid has made most of his other annual July 4th acquisitions....
First on his annual ritual is to go around to all of those stores that sell festive July 4th T-shirts for five bucks.
"A man can never have too many $5 T-shirts," Hammerhead said.
It's also a fact that the H-man can go through four or five shirts on a good, hot Fourth of July.
Sweat, mustard stains and firework burns always claim a few each year. A little spray from the garden hose and a new $5 T-shirt and Hammerhead is ready for the next round.
In the olden days, Hammerhaid always unveiled his most gaudy, iridescent Hawaiian shirt for the holiday. That was before he burned holes through them in the famous Flying Cicadas incident ... not to mention Betty Lou and her @#$% yardsale.
Hammerhaid suspects that Stephen Lewis, needing an image up (or down) grade, made off with those shirts at a bargain rate. Mike Pirtle, with legs like his, didn’t need the extra attention.
But don’t give that another scary thought.
He’s stocked up holiday food stuff as well.
“What about the kielbasa? You like that on the grill,” Betty Lou said.
“Not on the Fourth of July!” he insisted. “It’s a day for all America fare like hot dogs, apple pie and Milwaukee’s finest that’s on special over at the supermarket. You ain't gonna catch me eating no *&^% low-carb fake fried chicken on the Fourth of July. "It's the Colonel or nuthin," Hammerhead said. "I think it is unpatriotic to count carbs on Independence Day."
Well, anyway....
Normally, considerable research goes into Hammerhead's fireworks purchase. In the past, he would purchase a large quantity of tried-and-true varieties like roman candles, skyrockets, those *&^% parachute things and a small pack of what he calls Southern cruise missiles (bottle rockets). Happy and Saturns are also on his list.
Unfortunately, Betty Lou has him on the $4 a gallon gas budget, and the city code has kept him, thus far, from tent shopping. His honey-do list is so backlogged that he hasn’t even had a chance to slip by the Fireworks Supermarket out by the interstate.
But thank gawd for the Internet. He has been able to check out the latest by logging on fireworkssupermarket.com where they have descriptions and online demos of the latest technological wonders.
A few years ago, many of the new fireworks had a war theme like “Shock and Awe.” Not so surprisingly, the latest and greatest have abandoned that completely.
The latest devices seem to have a more cosmic theme with names like Skybuster, Zero Gravity and Solar Storm.
But there’s one with Hammerhaid written all over it. What’s it called?
“Redneck Ruckus.”
T-t-t-t-t-that’s r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ight.
Looks like its gonna be a big Fourth after all.
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