The recent gas shortages made Hammerhaid do two things.
W-w-w-w-hale, actually more than two things.
First of all, he checked the ol’ bank account and let out a low whistle when the moths flew out of his wallet like a “Looney Tunes” cartoon.
Then he went out to the shed and checked on the old, rusted, spider web-encrusted bicycle. Two flat, dry-rotted tires. The ride to work is short, but not that short ... and there is that almost imperceptible rise that Murfreesboro residents call a hill.
So-o-o-o-o-o, he cut out all his normal jaunts to the supermarket, convenience market, drug store and just about any other place you can think of. All midnight drives for a pint of ice cream were banned, no matter how much his sweet tooth was aching.
And that included his usual cruising half the town just to decide where to eat. As in:
“Let’s go up Med Center Parkway to see what’s up there ... or let’s try Broad Street ... or how about Memorial.”
H-haid usually prefers to stay off Memorial ‘cause it’s too close to home ... unless he has a large chocolate-dipped cone in mind. If that’s the case it is straight to DQ across from Middle Tennessee Christian School. In fact he uses MTCS as a code word. Betty Lou prefers Marble Slab ice cream, but Hammerhaid being stingy usually says, “Nawwwww, let’s go to the Christian School.”
Well anyway, during the gas shortage, Hammerhaid did his part by doing his best not to pay $4.15 a gallon. He even made the ultimate sacrifice by making and packing his own lunch to work. And what a pitiful selection he had to pick from. The Beanie Weenies ran out quickly, and he got tired of Mrs. Grissom after a couple of days.
And there was the family-sized bag of chips. It looked like somebody had sat on them. The remaining chips were about the size of his knarly thumbnail. (Here’s a tip. Don’t pack french onion dip for work when your tater chips are the size of a nickel. It’s disgusting.)
It didn’t take long for Hammerhaid to resort to his childhood standby: peanut butter and jelly on white bread. Why white bread with all the alternatives out there?
“Hey, I can buy a load of white bread for 89 cents and save that $4.50 a healthy loaf of high-fiber bread costs so I can buy one gallon of gas,” he explained.
T-t-t-t-t-that’s r-r-r-r-r-r-ight.
By cutting out his running around time, Hammerhaid managed to avoid the worst of the gas shortage and only had to top off his tank on Saturday at a top secret service station. Yes, he STILL refuses to disclose the location until hurricane season is over.
“But I’m not so sure those two hurricanes in the gulf had anything to do with the gas situation. George Bush went on TV and the price went up a dime and then Clay Aiken made his little disclosure and the price of gas went up 45 cents,” he said.
And we must all await developments in the current economic crisis. Asked if he had any comments, suggestions or observations about that crisis, Hammerhaid only had one thing to say:
“It’s ain’t funny.”
That is definitely r-r-r-r-right.
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