Hammerhaid: H-haid quits cable TV news channels cold turkey on The Murfreesboro Post

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Hammerhaid: H-haid quits cable TV news channels cold turkey

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By: MIKE WEST, Post Managing Editor

Posted: Sunday, February 22, 2009 6:37 am

Don’t tell anybody, but Hammerhaid’s pretty much given up watchin’ TV news.

“I still watch local TV news, so the folks over at Channel 4 don’t need to worry,” he admitted.

What about Channel 5?

“Didn’t they go outta bitness when Chris Clark retired?” Hammerhaid said. “Yep, I thought they did.”

Channel 2?

“What’s dat? W-h-h-h-ale anyway, it’s the network folks that he’s sworn off on and that’s particularly true when it comes to the 24-hour cable news channels.

Why, Hammerhaid, why?

“I reached that conclusion when I was sitting in front of the big screen one night. I was sitting there wondering what it would be like to strangle Larry King with his *&^% suspenders,” H-man said. “I was wondering if he would yammer all the way to the end when I decided to quit cold turkey.”

Quit what? Drinking, smoking, snacking?

“Naw, quit watching network news. I haven’t seen anything since about the second week after the inaugural,” he confessed.

“I missed watching all that coverage of the miracle landing in NYC and the all-night vigil following the plane crash in Buffalo. Thank goodness I missed Travis the chimp and Blagojevich the chump. And I am a better man for it,” he said.

“I am sleeping better, not so nervous and not depressed,” he explained.

“I like being in the know and staying informed, but I don’t need some 24-hour news channel drumming the latest depressing news about the economy straight into my head. I don’t say news has to be happy or uplifting, but when it’s the same thing over and over and over again, it is pointless to watch it. Heck, I would rather watch ‘Brothers and Sisters,’ which is the worst TV show ever.”

Betty Lou, who enjoys “Brothers and Sisters,” does agree about Larry King, while her mom views him as some sort of a TV sex symbol. Who’ da thunk that?

Hammerhaid longs for the days of the 15-minute news broadcast ... 15 minutes network and 15 minutes local including weather and sports.

“That was good enough for my parents and everybody else back in the 1950s. “Those were the happy days. So what if the Russians were about to blow us off the map. We didn’t know it, and we didn’t care,” he said. “We got the real news from the newspaper or from magazines like Life, Look, Time and Newsweek.”

H-haid wishes the networks would make news interactive like the Weather Channel does with its local forecasts. That way you could choose to view the news or not.

“That way, I could watch something uplifting, like wrestling, instead of the nightly depression,” he said. “Or maybe if they had the Heartbreak Kid read the news ... instead of Brian Williams. The Undertaker could do the economic news by doing his gutteral groan and rolling his eyes to the back of his head.”

Betty Lou explained that her husband has a little phobia about Brian Williams. He dreamed that Death with his black robes and skeleton face came to him and started speaking in Brian Williams’ calm, cool voice and telling Hammerhaid he was “next” following the commercial break. Besides, he likes Katie Couric’s legs.

So what does he do while the news is on?

“Well, he’s actually been reading a book, but most times, he just steps out in the garage and daydreams about rearranging all the junk out there,” she grinned.

T-t-t-t-t-hat’s r-r-r-r-r-right.

Tagged under VOICES

Member Opinions:

By: justdance on 2/24/09

Brothers & Sisters is one of the best shows on television! You go...Betty Lou! :)

By: mikewest on 2/24/09
Thank gawd for dvr's .... and UFO Hunters.

By: Hello-out-there on 2/25/09
Hmmm...Hammerhaid and my son would both enjoy the news starring wrestling figures. :)

By: mikewest on 2/25/09
It would be fantastic, Hello. Just imagine the possibilities.