Hammerhaid: H-haid puts his house painting expertise to test on The Murfreesboro Post

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Hammerhaid: H-haid puts his house painting expertise to test

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By: MIKE WEST, Managing Editor

Posted: Sunday, March 1, 2009 6:28 am

Hammerhaid once had an uncle who was a professional painter.

No, not a portrait painter ... he was a housepainter and not a run-of-the-mill one either. He was paid sizable amounts to do painting in the homes of the well-to-do.

He used a brush for most of his work, but his strokes were undetectable and the final result was flawless with no bumps, lumps or runs.

Hammerhaid once watched him work for 10 or 15 minutes or so, which made the H-man an expert on housepainting. Consequently, he has a few rules and recommendations when it comes to house painting.

1. Never paint when you can get out of it. Whine, argue and even cry if it’s necessary.
2. If you can’t get out of it, hire or beg someone else. Maybe your brother-in-law is a good painter? Volunteer him for the job.
3. If you are too cheap to pay a pro and can’t find a volunteer, stall until your spouse gives up and forgets about the project.

And so on and so forth ...

Well anyway, Hammerhaid had a painting job he absolutely couldn’t get out of. It required painting a generic tan bathroom bright white. That sounds easy enough, but you forget just how much trim work is required painting a bathroom.

When stalling didn’t work, he commenced on the collecting of the supplies. Everything he needed was in either the garage or the “china closet” (don’t ask). A long search turned up the paint, a rusty paint tray, three or four rollers and one horrible brush.

He had forgotten about “the kids’” recent home improvement project and everything had mysteriously disappeared including his wonderous stepladder.

Retriving the ladder and buying new supplies killed some time Saturday, but he soon had no choice but to start the trim work. The pros call it “cutting in,” Hammerhaid calls it *&^%$%.

Eventually it was partly done and the “water closet” and about a third of the bathroom was complete.

There was a major issue ... the high ceiling over the big shower and tub ... and how to finish the trim work on the far side of the wall. H-haid had tall ladders, but short arms to reach across that wide distance.

What to do?

He reached a solution, but knew Betty Lou had to be out of the house before it attempted it.

Even if he could have stood on his tip-e-toes on the impossible narrow edge of the bathtub, there was no way to reach across the top of the shower. And his ladders didn’t fit in the shower either.

Yep, his solution involved duct tape.

He would tape his trim brush horizontally to the end of a long painting pole. It should work without the presence of any women.

Unfortunately, Betty Lou left her mother behind to spy, uh, supervise, uh...

She appeared at the first sound of ripping tape. Her eyes moved from the brush to Hammerhaid’s face back and forth in a dance of disbelief.

After long moments, she disappeared and Hammerhaid finished the trim with hardly a bobble.
It was miracle and a success to the disbelief of most everyone involved. It looked perfect to Hammerhaid, but his eyes just aren’t what they used to be.

T-t-t-t-that’s r-r-r-r-r-r-ight.

Only seven or eight rooms to go, but who’s counting.

Tagged under Voices

Member Opinions:

By: deeppools on 3/1/09
I think you are very lucky that Betty Lou was out of the house! : )

By: mikewest on 3/1/09
Or she could be home listening to soft music LOUDLY accompanied by loud humming with occasional screams at the cats.

By: acdsrool on 3/4/09
Hey, deeppools, I would love to come in to a freshly painted room/house that I didn't have to do. And, as long as I'm not there to see it, I don't care how he gets it done! And Mike, if you need to borrow a few dogs to take care of the cats, just let me know! :o)

By: mikewest on 3/4/09
Thanks, I may have to take you up on that.