Yep, it’s one of the dumbest Hammerhaid stunts ever.
When it’s the end of July and the temperatures are flirting with the century mark most folks cool their jets and stay out of the sun and *&^% humidity.
Outside chores have been rescheduled to early in the morning and late, late afternoon just before dusk. Plants go from beautiful to completely wilted in two hours.
But then there’s Hammerhaid.
He was &*% hot on the trail of a bargain.
You see, Hammerhaid has the same condition as many men. It’s called “grill envy.” The bigger the grill, the better ... especially if it has lots of bells and whistles.
So, the H-man has been eyeing grills all spring and summer.
“I’ll wait til the end of the grilling season,” he would proclaim. “Yep, those prices will be dropping.”
Now as end of July approaches and the dog days of August loom, Hammerhaid received a fateful phone call.
“Hey boy, have you been to &^%@ or @(#*&^#? They’ve slashed the prices on grills and they’re going as fast as a drug suspect on I-24,” the voice said.
Naturally, that took a while to set in. Hammerhaid has to get his lollygaggin’ time in. A couple of cups of Java and two hours of head scratching later, Hammerhaid hit the road dressed to the nines in some sawed-off pants, a wore-out T-shirt and some floppy shoes.
First stop on his list was what he calls “The Old Folk’s Krogers,” mainly because most of the people who shop there seem older than Hammerhaid.
The last time he stopped in, there were several nice grills on display in front of the store.
This hot, scorching day, there was one grill left, and it was a monster with multiple burners, a huge cooking surface and big warming racks. Yes, it even had a side burner or two. That thing must have been 6 or 7-feet long.
Hammerhaid beat two other grill nuts inside and paid $83 for that monster.
“Now if you could just help me load it,” he beamed.
That was the moment he realized his car was only about 8 inches longer than his new grill. Naturally, that didn’t stop him from trying to load it.
He ran ideas through his brain like a calculator and then came up with a gem: “I will walk it home.
“That’s it. I just live around the corner, so I will just push it home,” he said.
The Krogers folks looked at him like he had just proclaimed he was the Napoleon Bonaparte and was going out to beat Wellington. Nah, they wouldn’t even know what that means. Instead, they looked at him like he just proclaimed that he was Lil John and he was demanding a free case of Krunk juice.
“What? What?? Oh-h-h-h-h-h-kay.
So Hammerhaid reparked his car, put on his very best Titans cap, re-laced his floppy old shoes and began his journey.
“Dang, I didn’t think about it being this heavy ... but heck, I don’t have far to go,” he said.
He also didn’t think about those little wheels on the end of the grill being so small and wobbly either. They’re meant to help scoot a grill a couple of feet from one end of the patio to another.
By the time he was at the end of the strip mall, sweat was already pouring, his shoes were flopping and the left axle was bent.
That just around the corner turned out to be well over a mile. Did we add that it was 90-plus and high noon with only two little spots of shade?
Now you know the rest of the *&^% story.
Actually, the worst part (besides heat stroke) was the looks he got from the heavy lunchtime traffic.
“I just knew everyone of them were saying, ‘What the heck’s that fool up to,’” he grumbled. “I just kept waiting for some wise acre to stop and try to place a order.”
But the residents of Georgetown aren’t built that way. Thank gawd for tinted windows. They just motored on by. Others who slowed down just blamed it on migrants. “Another &*^% taco stand,” they muttered.
But ol H-man survived, and that lovely grill earned a place of honor on the lush patio just in time for the walk back to Kroger. (Dang, why didn’t I think of that?)
T-t-t-t-t-hat’s r-r-r-r-ight.
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