Hammerhaid likes to “relive” the days of World War II while watching cable TV.
One recent obsession is the endless repeat of “Battleship” special on Discovery, the History Channel or one of those male cable favorites. After all, there’re only so many times you can watch the Phil Fulmer resignation press conference. And please ... no more election repeats.
“Them Iowa-class battleship were something else. They could cruise at 33 knots, and at a speed of 12 knots they had a range of 18,000 miles,” Hammerhaid said.
There are days Betty Lou absolutely hates cable TV.
“Their 16-inchers could penetrate 33-feet of concrete,” he recited.
Betty Lou decided to “not go there, ” because no insult she could fire could penetrate the concrete filling his noggin.
“The Iowa and the Missouri were the most powerful ships of all time,” he continued.
It was time for a diversion.
“I thought your bass boat was the most powerful ship of all time. I don’t know of any other one that can go 85 mph in five inches of water on Priest,” Betty Lou said.
“It was at Suar-RO-goto Strait that the American battleships crossed the T against the Japanese. The Tennessee and the West Virginia, both damaged at Pearl, were back in action,” Hammerhaid excitedly said.
“Then there was the bombardment of Iwo Jima by the navy that left only Okey-na-wa protecting the Japanese mainland. The Tennessee, the Wisconsin, the Iowa, the Missouri and the New Jersey were there against the biggest kamikaze attack of the war. Thousands of young pilots made the attack and thousands were shot down in Operation 10-Go.
“Then there was the largest, most massive battleship ever made ... the Yamamoto with 18-inch guns and 33,000 tons of armor and 152 anti-aircraft guns. It was fully armed but had only enough fuel for a one-way trip to Okinawa. They were going to run it ashore in the biggest kamikaze attack of all. But U.S. bombers took it out. More than 2,500 officers and men died.”
“ HAMMERHAID, stop it!” Betty Lou yelled.
“But this is interestin’!” he insisted.
“Hammerhaid, you are just going to have to face it. You aren’t a war hero. Now your daddy fought in the South Pacific, but honey you are a baby boomer. And besides, you have already watched this five times in the last two days. Give it a rest.”
“But … ,” he started.
“But … that is a good idea. Why don’t you channel surf until you find the Buttmaster infomercial? That usually gets your mind off that military stuff,” she said.
“But,” he said.
“If you don’t give it up, I am gonna have the cable company put channel block on the History Channel, the Sci/Fi Channel, National Geographic Channel and The Learning Channel,” she said. “Now give me that remote.
“I don’t care that the battleship was the most powerful weapon in the world for 50 years. I’ve got to turn to the Soap Channel for a Sonny Corinthous update. That was such a close call. And what happened to Luke and Laura when they went over that cliff?” she smiled.
Suddenly Hammerhaid remembered an important chore out in the garage. There are times he absolutely hates that cable TV.
“T-t-t-t-that’s r-r-r-r-right.” |
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